198.2 - 73.2 pounds to go

I think this last week went fairly well, so I'm trying not to let the scale get to me. My calories probably averaged around 1700 or so, which was probably too high. Until I get off my butt and start doing something, I can't justify fueling my body like it is active.

Instead of dreading my meeting with the nutritionist, I was actually looking forward to it since I had lost a few pounds - 6 to be exact! That was a pleasant surprise being as I felt like I've been moving in slow motion.

We discussed my obsession with the scale, and I've made a pact with an MFP friend to not weigh myself until my official weigh-in day. Because I cheated and stepped on the scale this morning, I actually changed my pact to not looking for 2 weeks. I'll still weigh-in on Sunday of this week for recording purposes, but I've decided I'm going to shut my eyes and ask my husband to record the number somewhere for a week. The obsession is far from healthy and it's only going to defeat me again if I keep this up. Ultimately, I'd like to weigh-in once a month when I see her, but baby steps first! So funny that for *years* I avoided that darn thing.

Same as the first time I started this journey, something just kind of clicked internally. The nutritionist said she could tell something had changed and that was really the best explanation I had for her. I can't pinpoint it or turn it off/on (I wish!) but it's back, so I'm not arguing. I had told myself that this year would be my year for positive changes, and so far it's shaping up to aim in that direction.

I started wearing make-up two weeks ago, which for me is just unheard of unless there is a special occasion. I think it's been a bit of self-discovery and feeling like I'm worth being noticed for once. I completely don't recognize this person I'm becoming, but I'd like for it to stick around. The nutritionist said she sensed that I had changed internally as well, like I am coming out of my shell.

Goals this week:  Appointment with the doctor to discuss my BP (it's high again), and get my vitamin D and iron levels checked. Going to work on lowering my calories back down to 1500. I'm also going to move my ass, in some way, shape or form, and I'l adjust my calories up those days.

197.8 - 72.8 pounds to go

It may not been much of a loss, but considering I ate a paczki from Tim Horton's, plus half of an authentic one, and some of the cherry chocolate chip bread I baked, half a pound is a total win!

My aim last week was to up my calories a little bit, which I feel was skewed by the goodies I ate. So, trying that again this week in hopes of finding a sweet spot. I fear I am eating too little, at least according to the calculators I use, but I'm afraid of playing around too much. Instead, I'll see how well this week goes and what the average is for the week's calories.

I didn't get around to looking up meatless options, but I've been sticking with tuna, homemade bean soup, and Trader Joe's low sodium tomato soup, which is actually really good! I also need to look into more options for protein. I hate using protein powder - I'm much rather not deal with all the filler. But in the mean time, it serves it's purpose, which is to keep my protein up and my hangry levels down! It's kind of nice feeling a normal amount of hunger when I get home instead of the past "omg, feed me now or DIE!"

Nothing exciting otherwise. Still being lazy but justifying it as finding my calorie spot first. Once the weather stops freaking out though, I'd like to walk at lunch again. It was nice to get out and get some sunshine - it really improved my mood! I'm sure my vitamin D levels are low again. That reminds me that I should go see my doctor for another blood lab, but I've gained a little since I saw her, so I'm ashamed. /sigh

This week: still pre-planning; keeping protein up around 90-115g per day; checking out more lunch options.

198.4 - 73.4 pounds to go

I feel like I nailed it last week. Not only did I try to keep my calories around 1450-1550 per day, but I focused on balancing macros and really making the food I ate count. With the help from some great MyFitnessPal friends, I decided to eat a few less carbs (not low carb - just not going over everyday!) and to make sure there is protein in as many meals and snacks as possible. The nutritionist has stressed in the past that I don't need as many grams of protein as I am consuming, but from a hunger standpoint, I do! I was starving all-the-time two weeks ago - seriously! I'd no sooner eat a meal or a snack and be hungry again. Now I feel like the hunger is manageable. I might still be hungry when I come home from work, but I'm not hangry (hungry and angry!)

I've not started up an exercise routine yet. Last week, I actually went to our gym and put our accounts on hold. Financially, the $50 a month we spend there is needed for other things, and since I can go to the campus gym for free, well, no-brainer! I've not yet been, but it's an option. Really, I'm hoping that the weather starts to stabilize a bit so I can get back to walking. The fresh air and sunshine did so much for my mood and energy levels, and I truly miss it. I loved exploring the area around our campus and home.

Keys to success this last week: pre-planning. It helps a ton when I get up in the morning to already know what to make for breakfast and pack for lunch. No more last minute grabbing of snacks from the cupboard. I'm also going to eat more in the 1550-1650 range. I have to keep reminding myself that eating too little is bad, bad, bad and will set me back into another long-term plateau if I am not careful, and I absolutely cannot re-live that just yet. Calculators have been putting me anywhere from 1400-1650 and being as I lost 2 pounds last week at the bottom-end, I'm going to see how the top-end does and adjust from there. It's nice losing 2 pounds in a week, two times in a row even, but I'd rather do this the healthy way than the quick way.

Focus for this week: continue pre-planning, and explore new meatless lunch options.

200.4 - 75.4 pounds to go!

Apparently I needed a break: a long one that spanned 4-5 months and included whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.

The bad news? I went from my low weight in August of 179 back up to 205-ish. Yeah, that is a very harsh pill to swallow. Of course it wasn't worth it, I would change things if I could, blah blah blah.

The good news? I'm back on the horse again and I think the break was genuinely needed. Last year was rough for me. I stopped talking to my parents on two different occasions for several months at a time, we had several major home purchases crop up, and we had a roommate move in. Add to that the focus I was putting on myself to eat right and exercise and get the scale to move, only to see it move 15 pounds in 8 months, and you have a disaster on your hands! Of course, we all go through life's ups and downs. In my opinion, that's what makes life worth it! But, in the moment, it almost defeated me.

Our ex-roommate is a wonderful person, and I thoroughly enjoyed having him around and teaching him some of the things I was going on this journey. But, I let him become an excuse for how I made decisions. I cannot be trusted around food. Bottom line. If you suggest buying cookies at the store, I'm 99.9% likely to give in to your request. Start eating said cookies, and I am 99.9% likely to join you. Eat big portions of food, again, likely to join you. Things quickly spiraled out of control and while we weren't completely back to eating fast food and drinking pop, we were headed there fast!

The best news is that I am back. I had my fun, but I've had enough. My size 16 jeans that were a perfect fit are now a little snug. New bras that fit perfectly now require an extender. Shirts feel like they cling in places they didn't before. It is all a harsh reality that I not only gained back 25 pounds, but I gained back 25 pounds of pure fat. But, it's temporary!

Part of me was scared to try this all again. For 8 months I did as I normally was to lose just 15 pounds. Sure, now I think 15 pounds would be great! But all of that effort equating to that small of an amount, this early in the game, killed a little part of me. And now I have this little voice in my head telling me, "Why bother? It's just going to happen again, ya know!" Every day is a constant struggle to control that voice.

So, here goes a fresh start. I've been back to eating healthier foods and following the meal plan my nutritionist laid out for me. I cleaned out our pantry and tried to make the healthier snacks more accessible. And I'm just generally feeling more excited about feeling better. The scale not moving was rough, but I should have focused on the bigger picture. It's always important to celebrate the little things.

186.8 - 61.8 pounds to go

I'm keeping the number the same as last week, even though it was down 1.4 pounds on Friday. I don't want to keep "cheating" by logging weights from other days, just in case it was a fluke.

My training session Friday was incredibly hard. He had me doing new things that were so challenging that I sincerely felt like it was my first day working out. I had already been thinking about my knees lately. Even though I've lost weight, they seem to crack and snap a lot more and it kind of concerns me. And then what does the trainer have me doing? Jumping up onto a bench. I was absolutely petrified every time I had to do it. All I could picture was missing the bench and landing on my face, or catching the edge of the bench with my shoe. Instead, I landed on my face when I was doing the stability ball jackknives. If you've never seen one, feel lucky!

Basically, you get into push up position with your legs on a stability ball. Then you roll the ball inward, bringing your knees into your chest. Getting up onto the ball is a workout alone, and I tried several different ways, all of them being "the hard way." I got up there the first time just fine, he second time I kept falling off. And these hurt like mad. Of course there were girls at the gym doing these at the same time, making it look effortless and beautiful. Not mine! And when I went to get off, I think I took both legs off at the same time and ended up rolling forward and falling on my face. I kept making fun of myself for it, and told my trainer it was a good thing I didn't have him taking pictures this time around. His response made it that much worse: "you looked like a crime scene victim!" I guess a little humility is good though, or something. I left that workout feeling incredibly weak and fat.

At my meeting with the nutritionist, we decided to go back to basics. I explained that the scale still wasn't reflecting a loss, the sudden 8 pound gain has stuck around, and I just can't take it anymore. I need structure, and a plan. So, I'm eating toast with PB for breakfast with some almond milk, a banana at AM snack, half a sandwich and some fruit for lunch, a fruit (and yogurt if needed) for PM snack, and a small dinner of 3-4 oz. protein, a small starch, and veggies.

Being as I am worried about being hungry all the time, she wants me to drink tea before every meal. Way back, my doctor had said she didn't want me drinking too much tea, but never gave a reason. So, we're going with maybe she was worried about the caffeine until I can ask her, and until then, I am enjoying it! She also thinks that I might be experiencing a lot more hunger on the days I work because I am associating sitting at my desk with eating and watching the clock to see when I can eat next. It makes sense, and it might definitely attribute, so I'm willing to shake things up a bit.

I mentioned my fear for my knees, explaining how they don't hurt per se, but I notice that they make more noise when I pivot or whatnot, so she suggested drinking 2 tablespoons of tart cherry juice concentrate in the morning and afternoon with some water. I had this warm the other day and I am in love! It's not cheap, which has me a little concerned, but if it helps, I am all allotting the money for it! She also suggested that I wear knee braces when doing cardio, and if I try to keep up with jogging, to find a grassy/dirt path. I'm not sure how feasible that is but I'll have to keep my eyes open. At the very least, I'm hoping the braces will help keep things compressed and comforted.

Let's hope for a good weigh-in this coming week, and a better strength session where I don't feel so weak!

186.8 - 61.8 pounds to go

Baby steps I guess. I'll take small losses over any sort of gain, any day.

I've been trying to work on being more positive, which is super hard. I'm trying to be more dedicated to exercising. I'm trying to make better food choices. All of it is so hard when you realize a lot of the hard work and effort isn't paying off. I mean it is - I don't want to go back to 250 pounds, or feeling so lazy and tired all the time, or breathing heavy after a flight of stairs, or barely being able to do a crunch, or any other number of things I could ramble off. I'm thankful that I've stuck things out this far. I'm just a bit disappointed that the one year mark came and went, and I wasn't where I wanted to be, so my mind seems to keep trying to derail me. All I can do is scream "There is no giving up!" I have said that from the very beginning and I am keeping my word. There is no going back.

I decided to follow the advice of my trainer and kick my cardio up a notch by jogging in spurts while walking. He may very well be right in that I'm not working myself hard enough. I feel like I'm going as fast as I comfortably can, but 60 pounds ago that was a lot more work than it is right now. So, I jogged. The first night, I jogged for a minute just a few times. I tried out the "Zombies, RUN!" app while out on a walk with the roommate and I think I need to look into a bit more. The storyline is okay - it's creative at the very least. But I only recall it making us run about 3 times.

The second night, I decided to jog every 5 minutes and I ended up pushing myself to go for 2 minutes. Two whole minutes with three minutes of rest in between! I was super proud of myself, even though I felt bad that I was slowing the roommate down. I was thankful he was so supportive and helped spur me on. I'm a little afraid of hurting my knees though, so I need to figure that out.

187.2 - 62.2 pounds to go

I've not been so good at getting my water in, or eating the right foods, or exercising. So, if I'm not changing things, "how did the scale go down" one might ask - and I have no idea. I'm frustrated, and angry, and confused, and just generally tired of not seeing any changes. More water, less water, more food, less food, more workouts, less workouts - it really doesn't seem to matter much. Just as soon as I think I see a change, the scale goes up the next week. So, I'm happy that it went down, but I'm not holding my breath. I just need to figure this all out and get out of this ditch.