185.4 - 60.4 pounds to go!

I had the strangest thing happen when I got on the scale: I didn't believe the numbers. I did a double-take and tried to process the numbers, thinking "WHAT?! How is it 185? It should be like 165!" And I honestly felt like I had suddenly gained 20 pounds and was completely off-course. It's really strange because not long ago, I couldn't wrap my head around my weight for the complete opposite reason. I would get on the scale and have to really drill into my head that I was no longer 245 pounds. I'd repeat it over and over and over again until I logged it in to the multiple sites I use. But now it's like my brain had caught up and kept going and I've stayed behind. In the beginning, I had worked out monthly amounts to meet 100 pounds in a year, and as I logged yesterday's weigh-in just now, I noticed that my "monthly goal" sheet said I am 32 pounds off of where I wanted to be at this point. And that, my friends, is why I would never suggest attaching amounts to future dates.

Quite honestly though, once that initial feeling of shock and disappointment passed, and I realized I've not been to 165 yet, I was quite happy. 1) I'm supposedly eating at maintenance, so not gaining is a big plus! 2) I was .4 pounds lower than my previous lowest weight a couple weeks ago, and with eating more calories, my sodium intake all week was pretty horrible. Between both, I figured the scale would go back up to around 187. After this week, when I go back to cutting, I think I am going to try 1900 per day and see if that does anything.

Yesterday was the end of week one of eating at maintenance. I've found it really hard to eat all of my calories and not eat some sort of junk, and now I'm really paying for it. We have a bunch of June birthdays in my office, so last week included ice cream, and cheesecake. And then I'd have calories left at night, even after a fairly big dinner, so I'd eat more ice cream, or cookies. Then we went to a local festival and there was ice cream with topping stations. And what is the best kind of ice cream? Free ice cream, of course! Well then I had to have some at home the next night, cause it was hot outside (not inside, where I was, but outside.) Today was another birthday and I found my fat-self fighting like a champ to get back out. The hostess brought in chocolate cake, Entemann's chocolate frosted donuts, various cookies, and chips. I'm proud of myself for only having a very small piece of cake, but in my lunch box are four cookies I intend to share with the husband and niece after dinner tonight. And the fat-self wants to run down there and get two donuts and another piece of cake to go as well. Quite honestly, I think it's from all the junk I've had this last week. When I have sugar like that, I crave it and that is exactly what is going on. It feels like a drug habit and I just have to have some, even just a little bit. It's an awful feeling.

Over the weekend, I accomplished a huge NSV (non-scale victory). We had gone to the local festival on Friday and I decided that my niece and I would go again on Saturday to avoid being cooped up all day. But instead of driving there and fighting for a parking spot, I decided to see if we could walk there and back again. I also found that I'm way better at beating down my anxiety monster, so I guess that was two NSV's! Before we left on our walk, that little voice of doubt kept nagging at me and I noticed I always had a positive response. It felt hugely empowering to have a rational voice telling the illogical side to back off. Here are a couple I remember:

• Anxiety: "What if you can't make it? It's an awful long walk!" Me: "Then we'll call the husband and ask him to come get us!" 
• Anxiety: "But on the nature trail, he can't come get you! He just told you that himself!" Me: "Then we'll sit down for a few minutes and rest. No bigs!" 
• Anxiety: "Those new shoe inserts sure do feel odd. They actually kind of hurt, and we're not even moving yet!" Me: "Well then I'll stop and rip them out and carry them home!" 

We totally made it, by the way: 7.37 miles round trip! My niece ended up bringing shoes to my house that are falling apart, which I was not aware of before our walk, so she was in a lot of pain. While we sat at the festival for a bit, I offered to call my husband and have him bring her some better shoes, or pick her up. In the end, we walked the main road in case we needed to call him, but she suffered through it. Super proud of her for it! My feet were hurting in the end, but nothing too horrible. Maybe the pride of having walked that far was helping!

Reset Progress

For the most part, being on maintenance has been pretty smooth. I have no issues eating 2400 calories per day. In fact, on some days, I even eat into my exercise calories! I've tried to not feel guilty by reminding myself that a few hundred extra calories is not going to cause me to gain. I'm really not looking forward to going back down to 1800 or so though. 

My biggest issue has been eating clean. I haven't been eating complete junk, and maybe it's no more than usual but now that I am watching it seems like a bigger issue. Balancing macros is also really tricky. I'm almost always consistently over on carbs. It's almost like everything I eat has a bunch and by dinner, I'm over. I don't think it's a huge issue, especially if on strength days, but I would think it happening every day is something I should curb. 

I've also been slacking on exercise this week. A co-worker that I normally walk with every day decided to check out our gym. I was super excited since this means I won't have to worry about walking outside when it's 90 degrees out. This made me really excited at the prospect of doing strength training every other day like I should be doing. But then I feel guilty for leaving him on his own in a strange place. So, I walked instead. And then yesterday he pulled a muscle in his back and decided to take it easy, so I didn't go. I'm finding it really easy to just blow things off and that really worries me. 

So far this week, the scale has been a consistent 186-187 pounds, which is good. Eating more calories has also meant going over on sodium by a good bit every day, so I could in fact be around 185. I was almost hoping it would go down a little bit, just so I can see the scale move again! 

My big shock for the week was going shopping for a bathing suit! A month or two ago, I found a post from a lady giving away some of her clothing on a Reddit group. I was only expecting some shirts but she ended up mailing me a bathing suit and some other stuff as well. Since I'm still holding on to all of this belly fat, the top was a bit snug, so I decided to head out and buy another one. I'm a bit sad that the top I bought was a size 20 but I'm trying to remind myself of two things: 1) I bought it at Target, and from what I have experiences, their sizes ALWAYS run small; 2) the top is really loose in the stomach area and the 18 I tried on fit just fine. I also need to remember that I went shopping for a bathing suit! I've not swam in a pool in probably 12-13 years, and I've not worn a suit in about 9-10 years. Plus, 60 pounds ago, I probably would have been freaking out about having to buy a size 28. So, there are pluses! Thankfully, Old Navy just emailed me that all of theirs are on sale this weekend for 60% off, so I might save some money as well as find I fit into a smaller size. Going to be crossing my fingers (and toes!)