185.4 - 60.4 pounds to go!

I had the strangest thing happen when I got on the scale: I didn't believe the numbers. I did a double-take and tried to process the numbers, thinking "WHAT?! How is it 185? It should be like 165!" And I honestly felt like I had suddenly gained 20 pounds and was completely off-course. It's really strange because not long ago, I couldn't wrap my head around my weight for the complete opposite reason. I would get on the scale and have to really drill into my head that I was no longer 245 pounds. I'd repeat it over and over and over again until I logged it in to the multiple sites I use. But now it's like my brain had caught up and kept going and I've stayed behind. In the beginning, I had worked out monthly amounts to meet 100 pounds in a year, and as I logged yesterday's weigh-in just now, I noticed that my "monthly goal" sheet said I am 32 pounds off of where I wanted to be at this point. And that, my friends, is why I would never suggest attaching amounts to future dates.

Quite honestly though, once that initial feeling of shock and disappointment passed, and I realized I've not been to 165 yet, I was quite happy. 1) I'm supposedly eating at maintenance, so not gaining is a big plus! 2) I was .4 pounds lower than my previous lowest weight a couple weeks ago, and with eating more calories, my sodium intake all week was pretty horrible. Between both, I figured the scale would go back up to around 187. After this week, when I go back to cutting, I think I am going to try 1900 per day and see if that does anything.

Yesterday was the end of week one of eating at maintenance. I've found it really hard to eat all of my calories and not eat some sort of junk, and now I'm really paying for it. We have a bunch of June birthdays in my office, so last week included ice cream, and cheesecake. And then I'd have calories left at night, even after a fairly big dinner, so I'd eat more ice cream, or cookies. Then we went to a local festival and there was ice cream with topping stations. And what is the best kind of ice cream? Free ice cream, of course! Well then I had to have some at home the next night, cause it was hot outside (not inside, where I was, but outside.) Today was another birthday and I found my fat-self fighting like a champ to get back out. The hostess brought in chocolate cake, Entemann's chocolate frosted donuts, various cookies, and chips. I'm proud of myself for only having a very small piece of cake, but in my lunch box are four cookies I intend to share with the husband and niece after dinner tonight. And the fat-self wants to run down there and get two donuts and another piece of cake to go as well. Quite honestly, I think it's from all the junk I've had this last week. When I have sugar like that, I crave it and that is exactly what is going on. It feels like a drug habit and I just have to have some, even just a little bit. It's an awful feeling.

Over the weekend, I accomplished a huge NSV (non-scale victory). We had gone to the local festival on Friday and I decided that my niece and I would go again on Saturday to avoid being cooped up all day. But instead of driving there and fighting for a parking spot, I decided to see if we could walk there and back again. I also found that I'm way better at beating down my anxiety monster, so I guess that was two NSV's! Before we left on our walk, that little voice of doubt kept nagging at me and I noticed I always had a positive response. It felt hugely empowering to have a rational voice telling the illogical side to back off. Here are a couple I remember:

• Anxiety: "What if you can't make it? It's an awful long walk!" Me: "Then we'll call the husband and ask him to come get us!" 
• Anxiety: "But on the nature trail, he can't come get you! He just told you that himself!" Me: "Then we'll sit down for a few minutes and rest. No bigs!" 
• Anxiety: "Those new shoe inserts sure do feel odd. They actually kind of hurt, and we're not even moving yet!" Me: "Well then I'll stop and rip them out and carry them home!" 

We totally made it, by the way: 7.37 miles round trip! My niece ended up bringing shoes to my house that are falling apart, which I was not aware of before our walk, so she was in a lot of pain. While we sat at the festival for a bit, I offered to call my husband and have him bring her some better shoes, or pick her up. In the end, we walked the main road in case we needed to call him, but she suffered through it. Super proud of her for it! My feet were hurting in the end, but nothing too horrible. Maybe the pride of having walked that far was helping!

Reset Progress

For the most part, being on maintenance has been pretty smooth. I have no issues eating 2400 calories per day. In fact, on some days, I even eat into my exercise calories! I've tried to not feel guilty by reminding myself that a few hundred extra calories is not going to cause me to gain. I'm really not looking forward to going back down to 1800 or so though. 

My biggest issue has been eating clean. I haven't been eating complete junk, and maybe it's no more than usual but now that I am watching it seems like a bigger issue. Balancing macros is also really tricky. I'm almost always consistently over on carbs. It's almost like everything I eat has a bunch and by dinner, I'm over. I don't think it's a huge issue, especially if on strength days, but I would think it happening every day is something I should curb. 

I've also been slacking on exercise this week. A co-worker that I normally walk with every day decided to check out our gym. I was super excited since this means I won't have to worry about walking outside when it's 90 degrees out. This made me really excited at the prospect of doing strength training every other day like I should be doing. But then I feel guilty for leaving him on his own in a strange place. So, I walked instead. And then yesterday he pulled a muscle in his back and decided to take it easy, so I didn't go. I'm finding it really easy to just blow things off and that really worries me. 

So far this week, the scale has been a consistent 186-187 pounds, which is good. Eating more calories has also meant going over on sodium by a good bit every day, so I could in fact be around 185. I was almost hoping it would go down a little bit, just so I can see the scale move again! 

My big shock for the week was going shopping for a bathing suit! A month or two ago, I found a post from a lady giving away some of her clothing on a Reddit group. I was only expecting some shirts but she ended up mailing me a bathing suit and some other stuff as well. Since I'm still holding on to all of this belly fat, the top was a bit snug, so I decided to head out and buy another one. I'm a bit sad that the top I bought was a size 20 but I'm trying to remind myself of two things: 1) I bought it at Target, and from what I have experiences, their sizes ALWAYS run small; 2) the top is really loose in the stomach area and the 18 I tried on fit just fine. I also need to remember that I went shopping for a bathing suit! I've not swam in a pool in probably 12-13 years, and I've not worn a suit in about 9-10 years. Plus, 60 pounds ago, I probably would have been freaking out about having to buy a size 28. So, there are pluses! Thankfully, Old Navy just emailed me that all of theirs are on sale this weekend for 60% off, so I might save some money as well as find I fit into a smaller size. Going to be crossing my fingers (and toes!)

186.6 - 61.6 pounds to go (and a reset!)

I am officially sick of this plateau. Beyond even. I try to talk myself into focusing on the positives, but most days I just feel defeated. When you're counting calories and adding in more and more exercise and still not seeing the scale move, it wears on you. And over the weekend, it got to me. I threw my hands in the air and decided to message someone on MyFitnessPal whom I consider a knowledgeable resource. I was combing over the last 8 weeks in my head, wondering what I could be doing wrong and my conclusion was: nothing. I'm eating out less often, I'm exercising more, I'm pushing myself, I'm still logging everything that goes into my mouth, and yet the measurements and scale aren't moving. Something has to be wrong.

So, off to him I went, messaging him in the middle of the night, venting to him my frustrations. I explained my confusion at yet another plateau, at the increase in hunger which drove me to up my calories by 200 per day, and the need to "do more" given by the nutritionist. I gave him background information, like how I ate 1600-1650 calories per day since the start and only recently increased them, and that the first plateau landed in January, didn't end until mid-February, and yet here I am again. And in typical fashion, I walked away with a wealth of new information to consider, such as how lots of cardio while cutting can actually hinder weight loss.

Essentially, his hypothesis, which stems from this article is that my body is under too much stress. You create stress on the body when you cut calories. Now add even more stress by exercising, and adding more and more exercise because the scale isn't moving, and we have a bad formula. Too much stress can lead to chronic levels of cortisol, which can lead to decreased hormone levels like ghrelin and leptin, decreased metabolic rate, and water retention. When reading over the information, it makes sense. Do I know how accurate it is? Absolutely not. However, from what I have researched, it seems like a plausible explanation. There were times during the winter that I would barely exercise and yet the scale moved. Messed up levels of ghrelin and leptin can wreak havoc with appetite and I was recently going through that phase where I couldn't eat enough. I can't blame the nutritionist for telling me to stop being lazy and get the scale moving faster, but it might very well be too much. On the outside, it makes sense that cutting calories and exercising more would mean bigger weight losses. But on the inside, it also seems logical that my body could be freaking out and wondering what is going on! 

So, for the next 2 weeks, I'll be following Dan's advice, because quite frankly, at this point, I can't afford not to. Eight weeks of not seeing any progress is truly weighing on me and I don't want to risk sneaking food or giving up completely. His advice is as follows:

• Eat at TDEE for 2 weeks, which equals a glorious 2400 calories per day.  I used the Fat2Fit calculator, entered my current weight as my goal weight, and used the moderately active number. Dan suggested lightly active, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'd rather gain a pound than potentially not reset things.
• 90% clean food - no more than 5-6 ingredients listed, no chemicals, minimal processing, etc. (which I already do)
• Avoid soy (pretty sure I already do this too)
• Start a strong lifts program or a similar heavy lifting program (3 days of heavy lifting)
• Walk on rest days, but no running, HIIT, power walking, or other intense cardio! Allow diet to be the primary means of losing!
• Watch macros
• Protein should be at least 1g per pound of lean body mass, so at least 86g per day per this calculator
• Fat can shift from .3-.7g per pound of lean mass, so 26g-60g per day
• On workout days, eat less fat and more carbs, such as fruits, bread, pasta, starch (because carbs are fuel!)
• On rest days, eat more fats and less carbs. Greens are good choices as they have less carbs.
• Subtract dietary fiber from carbs to get true carb number

Appreciating the Scenery

Today I decided to stop being so hard on myself. Yes, it stinks that the scale is not moving as fast as it was before the New Year. Sure, it's frustrating to be at least 20 pounds heavier than I had aimed for at the moment. It's disappointing that I still can't wear all the clothes that my ultra generous co-worker gave me back toward the beginning of the year. It's not fair, it sucks, and it makes me want to stomp my feet and "throw a wobbly" as I saw someone call it. But, that's life. It's still a journey no matter how long it takes.

I still meet little goals along the way, learn new things about myself, and change and grow in many ways. Plus, my brain is having a really hard time catching up with things, and the slower I lose, the more I notice the little things. Just the other day I was sitting somewhere and looked at my thighs and thought "wow, they really look quite a bit smaller!" Today I decided to stop being so bummed about all of the things that haven't gone my way, and focus on some of the accomplishments I have made:

• 59 pounds lost - almost 24% of my highest weight
• 52 pounds, or 21.75%, since beginning this journey on August 18, 2011
• Under 200 pounds, and not only under 200, but under 190
• Taken off blood pressure meds
• 33" lost 
• Went from a size 24/26 pant to a size 16
• Down from a size 24/26 or 3X top to an 18/20 or XL
• It's summer and I'm wearing sandals that last year hurt because my feet were swelling so bad; this year they feel too big
• My wedding ring has a ring sizer on it and a lot of times it still feels too big
• I started at the gym huffing and puffing doing 2.5 mph at a 5% incline; now I can go 3.5 mph and double the incline
• I could barely walk the short way around the campus I work at, now I'm constantly looking for ways to add more distance
• I jogged half a mile, which wasn't much, but I still did it and proved to myself that I could
• Husband and I walked .3 miles to a restaurant for dinner and I had to have him go get the car and come pick me up; now I can walk over 3 miles and not bat an eye
• I can do planks, and side planks, and boat pose, and lots of other things I thought were "too hard"
• I can feel bones I've not felt in a long time, if ever: collar bones, upper shins, hips
• I've gained muscle, or at least defined them; seeing my biceps makes me proud
• I went without pop for about 9.5 months, drank some, and hated it
• Haven't had "fast food" (aka McDonald's, Taco Bell, Wendy's, etc.) since January; it wasn't my choice and I ate half of a very plain salad

Ultimately, no one but me will care how long it took to get to my final destination. And in the end, even I won't care. It just matters that I get there - and I so will!

185.8 - 60.8 pounds to go!

Less than a pound to go until the half way mark. That is such a huge relief!

Last time I checked in I said I would up my calories if the scale didn't move, and thank goodness it did. I didn't end up working out a ton more like the nutritionist wanted. I'm a bit apprehensive about that, to be honest. There are so many different viewpoints on things that it's hard to know who the believe. I've read in many places that losing weight is primarily about the food you eat and getting enough sleep, and exercise comes last. Then there's the whole "calories in vs calories out" argument, which is true to a point. So I've struggled with choosing what to do. Yes, I want the scale to move faster, who doesn't? But I also know slower is better, and if I am working out 2 hours a night now, what's to come later?

I had a hard time sticking with my meal plan this last week. I took Wed and Thurs off so that the husband and I could celebrate our anniversary. Really what this means is I didn't eat meals and snacks like I should have and do on workdays. Not sure why I have struggled with this from the start. Days I work, I want snacks! Days I have off, I eat just "meals" and that's about it. Though, I guess to be fair, there are days like our last training session where I am hungry, and want to eat snacks, but errands get in the way.

This week I am going to try to motivate myself to hit the gym on my lunch hour. My walking buddy is down for a little bit and it's getting hotter outside, so I figured I'd change things up a bit by doing my walking HIIT routine and burning about double what I do walking outside. And maybe next week I'll hit the halfway mark....

187.0 - 62.0 pounds to go

Ah, plateaus: depressing, frustrating, demotivating. It's rough watching the scale stay within the same couple pounds week after week. It's tough knowing I wanted to see the scale lower than it is by this date. It's difficult to figure out what caused it, why it's happening, and what to do. It nags, making me wonder why I'm bothering, what the point is, and who cares. It eats at me every time I step on the scale, log the weight for the week, and watch the one year date rapidly approach. And in spite of all that, it is worth it. It's tough, but it's temporary. I've come so far, there's no way I'd give up now.

I had the husband take my measurements before meeting with the nutritionist. Most of them stayed the same, a couple supposedly increased, a few decreased by a quarter of an inch. Considering they are subject to human error, since it's not like I have tattoos of where to measure, I wasn't really counting it as a victory.

The nutritionist seemed to think I'm just not doing enough anymore. Walking 40-50 minutes everyday isn't enough, nor is strength training once a week (this one I agree with.) So while it could be a plateau (which I thought she didn't believe in after the last one), she just wants me doing more. And I am willing to try, but I also feel like I have no life as a result. But, that's the price I have to pay for overindulging for so long.

Aside from exercising more, the nutritionist wants me to work on only eating 400-500 calories at dinner. This is going to be rough. Dinner is traditionally the biggest meal and to cut it way back just feels odd. And 400 calories at dinner is not a lot. I meticulously log all of my food, I create recipes when we cook from scratch, we try to cut out a lot of things, but sometimes it doesn't help. So I am trying, but I may need to gradually step down. One tip she gave me, that I loved (but shamefully haven't tried yet) was to take 1/3 less. As a typical American, if it's on my plate. By taking less, I may noticed I'm satisfied and save some calories, and if I'm not full, I can go back for the remaining 1/3 and feel like I am getting seconds. We'll see how that goes - I am hopeful.

Last night I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym. I had come home from work, started on dinner, ate, and then watched TV while letting it digest some (working out while full is BAD!) and decided I didn't want to come home and go to bed. Instead, I made myself proud and did a strength workout at home! I've done plenty of body weight exercises that I have no excuse to not do them at home: planks, side planks, calf raises, etc. And while I didn't take as long as I do at the gym, where I'm going from spot to spot and/or putting things away, I still managed to get a decent burn. I'm not sore today though, which might mean I need to make things harder on myself.

So, here's hoping for a better weigh-in this weekend. If the number doesn't move again, I'll up my calories to maintenance. The nutritionist stated the obvious in that I need less calories now that I weigh less, however, I don't think I am eating at maintenance. If 1800 calories a day is maintenance (1500 net after exercise), I greatly do not look forward to the future. Instead, I think I was eating pretty close to BMR (after exercise) for a while and my body is wondering what's going on. The first plateau was 5 months in, this one was at 4-4.5 months in. I just wish I had started steadily losing as much as I was before the first plateau. My body seemed to start the year off by saying, "ok, fun's over...we're not losing that much every week anymore. Deal with it!" I guess I just have to fight back.