Another Post On How My Journey Began

Today I've realized I'm really glad I'm on this journey and that it's been so easy for me thus far because things could have turned out much differently.

Over the summer, probably around June or July, the husband and I were taking a walk. It was a cool night (the only reason I wanted to go) but by the end of the .74 miles we were hot and exhausted. During the walk, I revealed that I was sick of being overweight. It's not something we talked about much in our household growing up, and that carried over into my own household. I criticized our lifestyles and scoffed at our inability to walk less than a mile without hurting and becoming so winded. And I mentioned having serious considerations about lap-band surgery. I had recently watched a friend go through it and as hard as it was for her the first few weeks, it was nothing compared to my mom's ordeal. It was something that would keep my mouth from eating too much or I would suffer the consequences. Husband decided he was on board with it also and told me to call our doctor's office and schedule an appointment to get the ball rolling. Something that was just an idea rolling around in my head had suddenly become very real. So I spent hours researching it, scaring myself to death. Did I really want to survive on a liquid diet for several weeks? To cause myself to be ill if I ate too much? I've never had surgery and I have a huge fear of dying (so huge I've had panic attacks.) That risk really worried me. Was I really okay with putting my life in someone's hands just to be thin? They also wanted to know what types of things were done beforehand in an effort to lose weight. I had done nothing! And then there it was: they wanted adherence to a diet before surgery that would result in weight loss. I can't find now where I was looking, and it may have only been 10 pounds or so, but I remember thinking "if I have to diet to lose weight before the surgery, why have the surgery?"

I vaguely remember my mom going in for Roux en-Y gastric bypass surgery (it's been at least 15 years). But more vividly, I recall her not being able to go upstairs, her inability to eat more than a couple tablespoons without being sick, the restrictive diet that she's since gotten around. After all that struggle, all those times she'd sit miserably, clutching her stomach, telling us how she ate too fast or ate too much or even ate the wrong thing, she's gained it all back. Sure, she might be down a little bit from her starting weight but she has a bunch of loose skin now so it's hard to tell. And on my journey, I've just come to realize how little they taught her about proper nutrition, portion control, and exercise. Even though she ate barely anything in the beginning, her stomach pouch eventually expanded and with it, her appetite. I remember her getting up in the middle of the night because she was hungry, grabbing snack cakes by the handful and taking them back upstairs with her. Nothing about that surgery made her re-evaluate how she ate or lived. She didn't stop buying junk food or take walks or join the local community center. Nothing set her up for continued success. The weight was coming off regardless of what she did or didn't do, so there was no need to change for the long-term.

When I logged into MyFitnessPal this morning and noticed one of my friends posting about how excited she was to be back down to her pre-Thanksgiving weight, everything sort of hit me. I realized I should be hugely thankful to weigh less than I did on Thanksgiving. It was the holiday weekend and I lost 2.6 pounds. I didn't have to worry about eating and making myself sick (something my mother still does on holidays), or eating the wrong foods, or not chewing enough.

So today I am thankful for my journey. I've learned to eat properly, to take care of myself, and to listen to my body for signs of hunger or satiation. Even on days when a weigh-in doesn't go as planned, or I feel like eating something that will set me over on calories for the day, I never feel like giving up. I'm thankful I have much more self-determination than I ever gave myself credit for.

212.0 - 87.0 pounds to go

I'm a bit disappointed in today's weigh-in. Being as last week was a gain, I figured this week would follow the usual trend of being a really good weigh-in. I'm glad it was a loss, I just feel like I lost a week. My only hope is that I am retaining water from all the sodium in the pizza we ate last night at a birthday party. It's a stretch, but I'm hoping. I meet with my doctor again in just over a week to go over how much I've lost this year and my goal was to hit the 35 pound mark, so I think I need to step it up.

Thanksgiving went okay but I still overate. Halfway through I noticed I was comfortably full, but still kept stuffing my face. I didn't stuff myself silly but I went beyond what I should have. The day before I was under on calories by about 500, so I figured I was safe with the 500 calories I went over on Thanksgiving. Now to get through the in-law's Thanksgiving/Xmas party in 2 weeks.

On the plus side, we went shopping on Black Friday and I decided to attempt to meet the nutritionist's goal early (of buying a new pair of black pants.) I've been terrified of trying on pants for fear that the size would only go down by one. I ended up taking in a size 20 and a 22, figuring the 20's would be tight like the ones I have from Target. Amazingly, they fit! I didn't even try on the 22's because the others fit well enough it seemed silly. I didn't buy them since they were so long, but it was a great feeling!

214.6 - 89.6 pounds to go

I can't even begin to explain how angry I was at yesterday's weigh-in. We had so much sodium throughout the week and I am normally on top of things come the weekend. I know to watch the salt 2-3 days before weigh-in, but no, we still went over. The most aggravating part to accept is that it was my monthly weigh-in day. Any other week if the scale went up almost a pound, I'd suck it up and look forward to the next weigh-in. This time I was excited though. This time I just needed to lose .8 pounds to hit the 213 mark and be on track.

I was partly tempted to wait to record my weight until today or tomorrow, knowing the salt killed the weigh-in, but I decided to not play around with the rules. Today I jumped on the scale though, as I do almost every day, and I was at 213.2. So, either I only lost .4 pounds, or I am still retaining water (and being as Saturday I went over, and last night was close, I am betting the latter.)

Sodium is Evil

I am so anxious about this week's weigh-in. Not only do I want to lose weight (obviously) but it's also my monthly goal weigh-in, which I really want to meet. At last week's weigh-in, I thought I had it easily met, if not exceeded, since I was only .8 pounds over the goal. I figured that's less that a pound, I got this! But this week has been pretty bad in terms of sodium as far as I can tell. Almost every day has been really close to the daily limit, if not a couple hundred over on a couple days. So all week when I've stepped on the scale, it has read at least 2 pounds more than my weigh-in weight from Sunday. Consistently, all week. So while I keep telling myself "just drink lots of water, watch your sodium these last couple days, it'll be fine..." I can't help but worry the scale is not going to be kind to me Sunday. Logically, I know it has to be water retention, because there is no way I have eaten 7000 extra calories to justify a 2 pound gain.

On a better note though, I have been jogging up the stairs at work every hour like the nutritionist wanted me to do. Thankfully, a co-worker offered to go with me, and then another, so we have a little gang of three. It's really hard to log as exercise though. We do two reps per hour (one rep is 2 flights up, 2 flights down, 2 walks down the hall) and normally go at least 6-7 times per day. For as out of breath as I am from the start, and as frequently as we go, it has to be a good burn of calories. Or at least I hope it is! If I weren't going that, I wouldn't be getting any exercise at the moment, because the sun setting so much sooner has really had an impact on our motivation to go to the gym. We somehow need to break that cycle!

213.8 - 88.8 pounds to go!

I was actually thinking this week's weigh-in would see a gain, since I was noticing a trend of gaining every 4 weeks was developing. So, seeing the scale go down was a pleasant surprise! Plus, this means I only have to lose a pound by next weigh-in to be on schedule for my monthly goal! I was thinking it would be difficult to achieve after being a week off last month and after having the flu a couple weeks ago. 

We've been completely slacking when it comes to the gym. Eating better is more natural, and we do that everyday, but with winter fast approaching and the sun setting so insanely early, we both kind of groan at the idea of working out. Somehow we need to get out of that slump because it's only going to get worse. If we could afford it, I would make appointments with the trainer every other day since that gets us there. Maybe as soon as I sell a kidney that can happen.

Last Monday I went to see my doctor and she informed me that I had lost 10 pounds since I had seen her the month before. It's little reminders like that that make me happy. I hadn't even noticed since I focus on the weekly numbers. She was so proud it really made my day. So next month I am going back to have another blood profile done and to do a yearly weight review. 

I saw the nutritionist on Friday and that went well also. Since the last time I had seen her (October 21), I lost another 8 pounds. To be fair, the flu hit in the middle there but nice to know it's not really 1.5 pounds every week like it sometimes feels. We also discussed how crazy I am going about the holidays. We have Thanksgiving in a couple weeks, then the husband's side is doing a holiday party 2 weeks later, then 2 weeks after that is xmas. Having something big like that every 2 weeks scares me. The dishes I am making feel like a safety net: I know what's going in them and I can plan ahead by inputting the recipes. So we discussed what I had already planned on: eating 1/2 a cup or less of certain dishes. I don't have to eat everything, nor do I have to eat lots. And if I eat breakfast, lunch and snacks like I've been doing, I won't be ravenous come dinner like I was in the past and I won't pile my plate with mounds of food. I just hope I can follow-through with that. I also plan on getting in a good workout before heading to his family's party and taking a walk at some point should the weather permit. I have to say, it felt really weird to book a hotel room only after making sure they had an exercise room. And it couldn't just be any old exercise room, I had to make sure it looked like it had a few options and it had to have an elliptical! That machine and I have a very strong love-hate relationship!

Measurements and Photo Day

Yet again, I was disappointed by our pictures and measurements today. At just under 30 pounds lost, I still can't see a difference in the photos. I guess if I really squint, I can kind of tell my double chin is a little smaller, but otherwise the changes are too subtle to notice just yet. I'm thankful for all the people saying they can tell, including our hairdresser who hadn't seen us for 5 weeks. Which on that note, my crazy (literally) mother has been telling people that I am "unrecognizable." Part of me wonders if in her head I really am, or if she is trying to sabotage me. My hairdresser had just seen my mother 5 minutes before we got there and she had informed him "you won't even recognize her she's lost so much." As politely as he could, he said "I can tell you've lost weight, but unrecognizable? I knew who you were!" At the time, I just laughed it off as she's been telling others the same thing, including a friend of hers who said "according to your mom, you've lost like 50 pounds and then I saw you post to FB that you lost 20 pounds." Now I'm wondering why she would say such things. Am I supposed to be embarrassed I haven't lost that much? Is she really just trying to lie and brag to people to make herself look good (as the mother of someone who's lost so much, and probably the correct answer.)

Anyway, enough about that. Here are the measurements from 8/21/11, 9/16/11, 10/9/11 and 11/6/11:
Neck: 16" / 15" / 15.25" / 15.5"
Bicep: 15" / 15" / 15" / 14.5"
Chest: 49" / 48.5" / 47.5" / 46.5"
Waist: 49" / 48" / 48" / 47.5"
Hips: 50" / 50" / 50.5" / 49.5"
Thigh: 26" / 24.75" / 24.5" / 24"
Calf: 17.25" / 17" / 16.75" / 17.5"

In the bigger picture, I have to focus on the fact that I have lost 9" since 8/21/11 (as long as both thighs, biceps and calves have lost/gained the same inches.) Nine inches in 11 weeks isn't too shabby, right?

216.4 - 91.4 pounds to go!

So happy with today's weigh-in! Last week when I had the flu, the scale hit the 216's and I figured once I started eating and drinking again, it would definitely shoot back up. It did and how today's weigh-in was so good, I'll never know. Throughout the week the scale was saying around 218 pretty consistently which bummed me out. While I was sick and knew the numbers were reflecting that, I really liked seeing 216, so I am super excited it came back!

I looked back at an old paper I wrote for a behavioral psych class in 2002 in which we did a behavioral modification. I chose to focus on myself and incorporate a healthier diet and began drinking water for probably the first time in my life. (I lived in a schoolhouse built in the 1870's and our well meant really smelly water.) While I don't have many records of my weight throughout my life, I do know that in January 2002, I wrote that I weighed 218 pounds. To be at a number I haven't seen in 9 years is crazy! For the experiment, I ended up losing 19 pounds in 12 weeks. Considering I lose an average of 1.5 pounds per week, I might not beat that number, but I sure am going to try!


Current Weight: 216.4 pounds
Current BMI: 39.58
BMI Lost: 4.06
Pounds Lost: 28.6
Pounds to Meet Mini-Goal #2: 16.4
Pounds until BMI is 'very overweight' instead of 'severely obese' (191): 25.4 pounds

219.8 - 94.8 pounds to go!

I'm a wee bit late in posting this week thanks to a bout of the flu! Ugh! Sunday and Monday were horrible but today I feel a lot better. I just have to make sure I drink plenty of water because I wasn't the last few days. I ended up with dark purple shadows around my eyes and according to a co-worker, that was a sign of dehydration. We thought it was a sign of malnutrition, but either way, time to rebound!

So Sunday's weigh-in wasn't a huge loss, but a pound is still good. This week I am hoping for a better number being as I ate so little. My weight since the weigh-in has gone down into the high 216's, which was nice to see but I know won't stick. I think at the moment, my body is retaining water from being dehydrated anyway, but a loss should still be in the cards.

This week I go for my first "regular" personal training session. I'm mixed on how I feel about this. The trainer I had met with kept texting me like once a month. She had recently told me about her new idea to do half sessions (at half the price obviously) for those who didn't have the time/money for full sessions. I had said I was interested, but in that polite "no thanks" kind of way. Last week she caught me at the gym though and asked if I wanted to meet with her with time to discuss things. For some reason, I kind of expected to do some training and then talk. Wrong! Instead we set up a bunch of sessions. So on one hand I like that I'll meet with her and learn new things to keep me going and feel challenged, but on the other hand I feel like I was cornered into spending money we didn't have on something we can do without. Hopefully the latter changes and it's well worth our money I guess.