Learning from my past

First off, it is crazy to me that my first attempt to lose weight and live healthier was just over three years ago. How does time move that quickly?

I've spent the last two years in the deep hole of self-hate I previously mentioned. Instead of that hole getting filled in, I dug tunnels. Tunnels to shame, embarrassment, regret, denial, failure: so many ugly, ugly places.

Looking back, all I can think about is how I let that stupid metal and glass square with LED lights ruin my self-worth.

Well, dear scale, with your pretty, glowing blue eyes and your sleek black and smooth complexion, we need to have a chat. I cannot let you bully me anymore. I will not allow the bully in my head to take your words at face value and belittle everything I have done.  

I know what my weight was this morning. I have a starting point. A reference. Nothing more. But I want to be one of those people that steps on the scale and is pleasantly surprised. "I just weighed myself for the first time in 9 months and I lost X pounds! I wasn't even trying - just eating better!" Yeah, I want to feel what that is like. 

So, sorry dear scale, but I think I need some space.  

Learning to move on

I've been in a deep hole of self-hatred, friends. A very deep hole. Hating my body. Hating that I gained back every.single.ounce I had lost. Hating my job and my lack of fair compensation. Hating that the job I learned to love was closed down. Hating that I had stopped exercising and due to shame, can't even step back in the gym. Hating that I can no longer walk as fast, or as far. Hating that I get winded easily. Hating that going up a flight of stairs is no longer easy. Hating that my picture is now something I shy away from looking at compared to the pictures when I was 180 pounds and couldn't stop staring at the photo. Hating everything and everyone to the point that I barely recognize myself most days.

And then this post came along. Actually this pair of posts (Losing and Gaining and Accepting Myself at Every Weight & What I Learned Losing Weight the Second Time). It said so many things that I've thought, yet not acted upon. Why deal with the anger and hatred? Why try and fix things? And for that, I've paid...deeply.

It's time, friends. It.is.time.