201.8 - 76.8 pounds to go

I've come to the conclusion that my body must be plateauing. I started January weighing 203 pounds and I am ending the month weighting 202 pounds, which makes me really frustrated. Not because "omg, I have to lose the weight NOW!" but because I really want to see the 199 mark. It's been looming and I've been so excited to hit it, and then *wham* emergency brake.

So, this week and next I am going to go on maintenance calories (2000 calories!) and hope that my body will jump start again after that. I've been really hesitant to eat that much because like almost everyone else who decides to lose weight, I'm worried about gaining weight back. I'm fairly confident, however, that the amount of calories is correct so there really shouldn't be any gains. I just wish I had known this was a plateau a bit sooner because I could have started this maintenance phase earlier! Anyway, here's hoping February 12 is a great weigh-in and that the numbers go down for good!

Ah, coworkers!

I've had two coworkers mention to me today about how much better I am looking.

This morning I was told that while walking down the hall with another colleague yesterday, I looked "different." She didn't quite elaborate as I think she was lost on how to phrase it, but she said I looked "like a different person."

Just now, while guiltily reheating my leftover turkey dinner from Bob Evan's (holy sodium!), another colleague (who is also trying to eat better and lose weight) informed me that while walking in behind me this morning, she noticed I was "withering away." I laughed, told her I have a lot more withering to do, and thanked her. I think because I openly said I have a lot more to go, like I was shrugging it off, she added "your wide-load is becoming much smaller!" (It looks worse than it sounded - we laughed!) A couple minutes later she caught me again and said "you were in your coat and whatnot this morning, for what it's worth."

There are some days where I swear they are all meeting up in a conference room, pointing out they need to do another round of compliments and plotting out what times they'll be free to stop me.

201.0 - 76 pounds to go!

/sigh. 200, why are you evading me? I keep getting so close to you, and you keep running away. It makes me very sad, just so you know.

I really have no idea why my progress has slowed down so much. It could be so many things though. Maybe I'm hitting a plateau, or eating too little, or eating unhealthy. We've gotten much better at eating at home again, but the last couple weeks we were going out quite a bit. And while we ate better and within our calories, it's hard to track things like how much oil/butter they use. So while I hope we weren't too far off, that may be a culprit. We also weren't exercising but once a week, so that definitely wasn't helping us much. Now we're back to going 3-5 times per week so hopefully the scale starts moving a little more. Nothing crazy, I'm not saying I want to lose 4 pounds a week or anything, I know that's absurd! But 1.5-2 pounds per week for a bit longer would be good. I know it will drop off eventually, but at 201 pounds, I still have a ways to go.

Exciting Seeing the Scale Inch Downward

Today the scale played games with me and had a different read several times, but it ranged anywhere from 200.8 to 200.2! I think we need to find a location in our bedroom where the floor is level, but with hardwood floors it's been a bit difficult. I thought I had found a good spot, but I've noticed the reading likes to change quite a bit. According to the reviews on Amazon, the scale is really accurate, so it has to be something on our end.

I've also been meaning to post the little changes here and there that I've noticed. For the first time in I don't know how long, when I lie down I can feel my hip bones. Now granted I have to be laying down, but dammit, I feel them! I also can feel the bone that connects the inner thigh to my torso, by the pelvic area. Of course, being a fat girl, I've always noticed that area looking bony on all the models and thin girls wearing bikinis, but I didn't think I'd ever feel mine. My arms seem to be getting a bit more muscle as well, especially my biceps. I think today was also the first day I didn't want to gag at my own reflection in the mirror. I've done a happy dance in the changing room, but I don't recall really staring myself down until today. I was praying someone wouldn't come in to the restroom while I was examining how loose the shirt is that I am wearing today. I remember hating this shirt because it has some spandex in it and 40 pounds ago, it would cling to my stomach in a not-so-attractive manner. Now I'm swimming in it! I think it's really time we head to Ikea to buy a cheap full-length mirror!

In not so great news, my knee has been bugging me for about a week. It almost feels like it popped out of place and on occasion, while I'm walking, it will hyper-extend. I think if it keeps it up I'll have to head to the doctor, I just can't figure out a way to describe how it feels. Not a constant pain, but an occasional one accompanied by feeling like it's out of place. I'm betting it's from all the lunges and squats the trainer has been making us do, not that it stops me from doing them on my own! /whistles innocently

202.0 - 77 pounds to go!

Once again, 200 is so close. I feel like it's just sitting there taunting me. All week the scale refused to budge past my last weigh-in of 202.8. When I met with the nutritionist, I mentioned being frustrated that this would be week 3 at 202-203 pounds. She, of course, had to point out that we've not been going to the gym but once a week, so I should be thankful to have lost as much as I have the last couple months. And indeed I am! I hate having to reassure people that my frustration isn't meant to be that whiny "omg, I have to be goal weight RIGHT NOW!" Even when I get aggravated at the scale, I never once think "forget this, I'm done!" Instead, I try to over-analyze what is going on and why the numbers aren't going down the same. There are just so many variables that it's impossible to pin it on one thing, even the gym. Come Monday, the scale said "201.2" and we didn't hit the gym on Sunday, so who knows.

At the meeting, I set the goal of going to the gym 4 days a week, to get back in to going on a regular basis. Winter has been really mild (omg, so wonderful!!!) and the sun is finally setting a little later, so we have to stop with the excuses. The husband has been really good at not wanting to go lately, which really frustrates me. Not that I never have days when I don't want to go, but it seems more and more like I'll say "we should go to the gym today" and he'll reply by saying he doesn't feel well, or he's tired, or his ___ hurts. I need to start taking responsibility for myself and just going without him when that happens. If anything, maybe it will motivate him. But this weekend we did really good. We had our normal appt. with the trainer on Friday (and she totally kicked my butt and my sugar bottomed out again), we did cardio on Saturday, and then we went last night and had a great strength training day. This week will be our first week balancing classes, work and the gym but I'm determined to make it work.

Letter to My Future Self

Dear Future Me,

Don't ever turn back! There will be rough days, that's just life. There will be days when you want to eat everything in sight or avoid exercise like the plague, but use your knowledge and skills to not go back to the 240's.

Today (and yesterday), I took a walk with a coworker around campus. To me, there isn't much of a big change. I still feel fat (cause I still am), I still get out of breath when we walk up the hills, I still feel like I could be going faster. But my coworker sees me differently and made me think back to walks we had taken before I started losing weight. I remembered my very first blog post described us walking:

"Last week I took a walk with some co-workers.... The sides of my calves burned, my face was red, I was out of breath, and once we came back inside, I thought I was going to pass out. Out of curiosity, I decided to find out just how long this walk was: 1 mile. One measly mile! ...maybe in due time, I'll be able to walk that mile without feeling like my head will explode from my heart pounding."

That time has come! Both days, we walked an average of 3 mph, which is a huge improvement for me! Sure, I was out of breath going uphill, especially the one steep one, but I've come a long way! My head isn't pounding, I was out of breath but easily holding a conversation, my calves aren't hurting AT ALL, and my face was barely red (and that may have been because it's 45 degrees and windy outside.)

So, future me, don't undo all we've worked toward. Your determination is strong and if you ever doubt that, just look back and remember the balance class we took: at 210-ish pounds, you were balancing on your back on a Bosu ball, curled up, arms outstretched in a triangle above you. Sure it wasn't a pretty picture I am sure, but YOU did it! When he demonstrated the move, I remember laughing and saying "I can't do that!" How wrong I was! Remember those little feats! Remember how great it is to see what you are really capable of doing! And always remember where you came from - that embarrassed, overweight person with the crackly knees that got winded going up one flight of stairs, that had no energy, that hurt just from being overweight and that turned down so many social occasions simply for fear of meeting new people. You are amazing, you can do this, and you have a great deal of knowledge and skills to help you out should you get stuck! Be proud of yourself!

Sincerely,

Me at 203-ish pounds

202.8 - 77.8 pounds to go!

I have very mixed feelings about today's weigh-in. All week my weight has been up (thank you water weight) so I was honestly expecting to be higher than 203. Being even .2 pounds down was a huge shock! But at the same time, 200 feels like it's just miles away. I can see it, it's right there, just barely out of reach, but every time I reach for it, it moves a step back. So yeah, I'm happy I lost at all this week, and I'm looking forward to seeing the scale go down even more in the next couple days, but I'm getting anxious about hitting 200! Come on already!

Here is a monthly recap of pounds lost, so I can keep things in perspective. I've been really mad at myself for not even being close on this month's goal (196.5) so I need a reminder of how things have gone in the past.

August - 239.2 - 233.2 = 6 pounds lost
September - 233.2 - 227.8 = 5.4 pounds lost
October - 227.8 - 219.8 = 8 pounds lost
November - 219.8 - 212.0 = 7.8 pounds lost
December - 212.0 - 206.0 = 6 pounds lost

Feeling The Same

I've noticed today that I don't feel like I've changed at all, and it's bothering me on some weird level. A co-worker caught me today, one I haven't seen since early December, and she said I looked "slenderer," but I'm not feeling it. I've looked through old phone and Facebook pics, trying to find angles that kind of match, desperately eyeballing the pictures for a glimpse of this new, thinner "me" but she's just not shining through. And maybe it's the better fitting pants but same old sweater from years and years ago, or the weird bloated feeling like I just ate a huge meal, or trying to find a not-so-fat me among recent pictures, but today I don't feel like I've lost 42 pounds. I'm looking through success stories on MyFitnessPal, people of a similar height and weight, and they look just amazing - curvier, thinner, major before/after differences for weight losses around my total, and I kinda feel like "where's my before/after awesome pic?!" Maybe in another 10-15 pounds I'll notice a difference, other than in better fitting pants (cause I've not found any decent shirts!), but today I very much feel the same.

203.0 - 78 pounds to go!

200 is getting so much closer! It feels really weird to see those numbers on the scale. I still don't think my brain has quite caught up. It doesn't help that we don't have full length mirrors in the house. I've also come to realize this is around the weight I was in my senior year of high school, but my body was shaped differently. I don't think I had quite the flabby gut that I do now, so I don't feel any different than I did at 245.

Here are the measurements from 12/4/11 and 1/1/12, just to compare at one month rather than from the start:
Neck: 14.5" / 14.25"
Bicep: 14.25" / 13.5"
Chest: 46.5" / 44.75"
Waist: 46.25" / 46.25"
Hips: 47.75" / 46.75"
Thigh: 23.25" / 23.25"
Calf: 16.75" / 16"

That brings the total to 17.5" lost since August 21, and 4.5" since last month!

Oh! I also learned that since the week of Thanksgiving, I have lost 11.6 pounds! I've seen so many people comment that they either maintained or gained that I cannot even express how thankful I feel that the holidays are now past and I didn't gain a single pound! For as anxious and freaked out as I was, I showed myself that I really could enjoy the holidays and all the wonderful food, but within moderation without feeling deprived. Best thing is, I have goodies in the freezer to last me until at least spring!