185.4 - 60.4 pounds to go!

I had the strangest thing happen when I got on the scale: I didn't believe the numbers. I did a double-take and tried to process the numbers, thinking "WHAT?! How is it 185? It should be like 165!" And I honestly felt like I had suddenly gained 20 pounds and was completely off-course. It's really strange because not long ago, I couldn't wrap my head around my weight for the complete opposite reason. I would get on the scale and have to really drill into my head that I was no longer 245 pounds. I'd repeat it over and over and over again until I logged it in to the multiple sites I use. But now it's like my brain had caught up and kept going and I've stayed behind. In the beginning, I had worked out monthly amounts to meet 100 pounds in a year, and as I logged yesterday's weigh-in just now, I noticed that my "monthly goal" sheet said I am 32 pounds off of where I wanted to be at this point. And that, my friends, is why I would never suggest attaching amounts to future dates.

Quite honestly though, once that initial feeling of shock and disappointment passed, and I realized I've not been to 165 yet, I was quite happy. 1) I'm supposedly eating at maintenance, so not gaining is a big plus! 2) I was .4 pounds lower than my previous lowest weight a couple weeks ago, and with eating more calories, my sodium intake all week was pretty horrible. Between both, I figured the scale would go back up to around 187. After this week, when I go back to cutting, I think I am going to try 1900 per day and see if that does anything.

Yesterday was the end of week one of eating at maintenance. I've found it really hard to eat all of my calories and not eat some sort of junk, and now I'm really paying for it. We have a bunch of June birthdays in my office, so last week included ice cream, and cheesecake. And then I'd have calories left at night, even after a fairly big dinner, so I'd eat more ice cream, or cookies. Then we went to a local festival and there was ice cream with topping stations. And what is the best kind of ice cream? Free ice cream, of course! Well then I had to have some at home the next night, cause it was hot outside (not inside, where I was, but outside.) Today was another birthday and I found my fat-self fighting like a champ to get back out. The hostess brought in chocolate cake, Entemann's chocolate frosted donuts, various cookies, and chips. I'm proud of myself for only having a very small piece of cake, but in my lunch box are four cookies I intend to share with the husband and niece after dinner tonight. And the fat-self wants to run down there and get two donuts and another piece of cake to go as well. Quite honestly, I think it's from all the junk I've had this last week. When I have sugar like that, I crave it and that is exactly what is going on. It feels like a drug habit and I just have to have some, even just a little bit. It's an awful feeling.

Over the weekend, I accomplished a huge NSV (non-scale victory). We had gone to the local festival on Friday and I decided that my niece and I would go again on Saturday to avoid being cooped up all day. But instead of driving there and fighting for a parking spot, I decided to see if we could walk there and back again. I also found that I'm way better at beating down my anxiety monster, so I guess that was two NSV's! Before we left on our walk, that little voice of doubt kept nagging at me and I noticed I always had a positive response. It felt hugely empowering to have a rational voice telling the illogical side to back off. Here are a couple I remember:

• Anxiety: "What if you can't make it? It's an awful long walk!" Me: "Then we'll call the husband and ask him to come get us!" 
• Anxiety: "But on the nature trail, he can't come get you! He just told you that himself!" Me: "Then we'll sit down for a few minutes and rest. No bigs!" 
• Anxiety: "Those new shoe inserts sure do feel odd. They actually kind of hurt, and we're not even moving yet!" Me: "Well then I'll stop and rip them out and carry them home!" 

We totally made it, by the way: 7.37 miles round trip! My niece ended up bringing shoes to my house that are falling apart, which I was not aware of before our walk, so she was in a lot of pain. While we sat at the festival for a bit, I offered to call my husband and have him bring her some better shoes, or pick her up. In the end, we walked the main road in case we needed to call him, but she suffered through it. Super proud of her for it! My feet were hurting in the end, but nothing too horrible. Maybe the pride of having walked that far was helping!