The scale is just not cooperating with me, and it's really starting to weigh on me (ha! see what I did there!) I met with the nutritionist and came clean about my lack of good decisions lately, but even with the slip-ups here and there, neither of us can explain why the scale suddenly jumped up 9 pounds a few weeks back, or why it's not going back down.
Emotionally, things have been really rough for me the last few months. After deciding that my relationship with my mother was nothing short of toxic and making the decision to estrange myself from my parents, I've been on a huge emotional roller coaster. I've had days where I'm fine and things seem clear to me, and then I have days where I seemingly cry for no apparent reason. It's one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make and it's constantly bubbling beneath the surface.
During my meeting, the nutritionist and I discussed what could be causing the scale to not reflect my efforts. Sure, I've not been diligent about getting in my 12 glasses of water per day. Yes, there have been days (more than I'd like to admit) where I was over my calorie goal. Of course there are also days where the food choices I've made were not so stellar (birthday week wherein I had cake every night for 6 nights!) And unfortunately there have been days where I've neglected going to the gym or getting out for a walk. But for the scale to suddenly bounce up 8-9 pounds is unexplained. My belief that it was only water weight from a weekend of bad food has since waned after watching the scale stay up for weeks.
And then she asked about my thoughts and attitude toward myself. Let the waterworks begin! As I sat there blabbering on about my mother and how I am allegedly a "horrible daughter," I saw myself get smaller and smaller. Contrary to how I would describe myself, mentally I am horribly negative and tough on myself. And while there is no explanation as to why the scale is being so unkind lately, one thing was very clear: I have to learn to be positive.
My homework for the next few weeks is rough, but absolutely necessary. First, I need to identify my keys for success. One of the examples we wrote down was that I'm able to get my 12 glasses of water in when I'm mindful of the time and set time limits (e.g. 3 glasses by noon.) The second thing I need to do is to negate all of the negative thoughts I have by immediately countering them with a positive. So instead of repeatedly telling myself, "You only managed to lose 59 pounds in a year," I need to tell myself "But I lost 59 pounds! And over 40 inches!" Lastly, she suggested I focus more on picturing what I want the scale to read, rather than on what it says. Every night and every morning I step on the scale. This is hugely not recommended. I, personally, like seeing the difference between the two numbers and I know the reasoning behind those numbers enough to not freak out. Could I stop? Absolutely. That's not where my problem lies. My issue is that the numbers are not going down. Since the beginning of the year, I've lost roughly 15-20 pounds, which is barely even trying in my opinion. And lately, those numbers are bothering me. There's no explainable reason and it's starting to negatively impact how I view this journey. So instead of focusing on "the scale said X this morning," she wants me to envision stepping on the scale and seeing a smaller number and being excited about it.
So, do I think a mental overhaul will help the numbers come down? I'm not sure. The mind is a powerful thing, I won't deny that. While I don't think it's the only reason the scale isn't moving, I'm up to trying whatever I can in an effort to get back on track. Plus, I could use a little less negativity in my life!
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