194.2 - 1.6 pounds lost

Last week was a bad week. Bad. Lots of personal stuff going on, huge amounts of stress. We had one day where we were super busy and driving all over, so we ended up eating out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But, that's all in the past. The scale moved, and even if it's not as much as I wanted (because the prior week was up due to sodium), it's still a win. If I only lost half a pound, it's half a pound less to lug around.

I've been using my Body Media religiously and am in love with it! Seeing how long I sleep at night and how often I wake up, all the steps (or lack thereof) I take in a day, and how much I burn is super helpful. I'm seeing that the Fat2Fit calculators are within just a couple hundred or less of what this says I burn, depending on how much I get up and walk around throughout the day (not a lot at the moment.) It's a great motivator though and I love knowing how much I've done/not done. Highly recommend it!

My meeting with the nutritionist went well. I had lost another 3 pounds since seeing her, 4 if you count my weight the next day. For not exercising, I'd say I'm doing pretty well, though I know I need to add that in to maintain muscle and build up my heart. I'm just so unmotivated. Her goal for me though is to start taking at least 10,000 steps a day. I'm not sure if I will meet that or not by walking at lunch, but I'll have to see.

Things are pretty uneventful otherwise. This week I'm going to work on calming down. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be snowy and cold, but later in the week it should get a little warmer. Getting out and enjoying the air and, hopefully, the sun will help. I always feel so much better after taking a walk outside!

195.2 - 3 pounds lost

Considering the week I had, I was am in complete disbelief at the number on the scale. I made a pact with an MFP friend (thanks, Munz!) to again not look at the scale between weigh-ins. So not only did I have no idea where it was all week, but I also had a mini-binge Monday night where I just wanted to eat everything in site. Almost 900 calories later (thanks PMS) and I was sure the scale wouldn't budge this week.

On average, I consumed 1767 calories daily, which is a bit higher than I wanted, but good considering the scale moved. I'm still trying to find that sweet spot where I'm not losing too much or too little. After the last four weeks though, I am guessing that my estimated intake was a bit low.

Last week I said that I would make an appointment with my doctor, which I followed through on. She placed me back on my BP medication, but at half the dosage. I'm not entirely happy about it, but I also know that in terms of my health, it's important. And, it will just serve as more motivation. It came down a good bit from what it was 50 pounds ago, but it still has a little bit more to go.

In the next week or so, I'll be getting a blood panel done to check cholesterol (I'm scared it's high again), Vitamin D, iron, and some other stuff. I was supposed to get it done at a local lab, but since they don't accept my insurance and I realized they would be charging me as well, I figured I might as well go back to my doctor, have my BP checked out to make sure the dosage is right, and have the blood work done there. So, that's kind of half-met.

I still haven't gotten off my butt and started walking or anything. The thought of a treadmill at the moment is so unappealing, so I'm crossing my fingers that warmer, sunnier weather is on it's way!

Goals for this week:

• keep an average of 1600-1700 calories per day
• prepare to eat at maintenance (1900-2000 per day) next week in hopes of avoiding that dreaded plateau
• work on more positive affirmations to quiet the negative voice in my head

198.2 - 73.2 pounds to go

I think this last week went fairly well, so I'm trying not to let the scale get to me. My calories probably averaged around 1700 or so, which was probably too high. Until I get off my butt and start doing something, I can't justify fueling my body like it is active.

Instead of dreading my meeting with the nutritionist, I was actually looking forward to it since I had lost a few pounds - 6 to be exact! That was a pleasant surprise being as I felt like I've been moving in slow motion.

We discussed my obsession with the scale, and I've made a pact with an MFP friend to not weigh myself until my official weigh-in day. Because I cheated and stepped on the scale this morning, I actually changed my pact to not looking for 2 weeks. I'll still weigh-in on Sunday of this week for recording purposes, but I've decided I'm going to shut my eyes and ask my husband to record the number somewhere for a week. The obsession is far from healthy and it's only going to defeat me again if I keep this up. Ultimately, I'd like to weigh-in once a month when I see her, but baby steps first! So funny that for *years* I avoided that darn thing.

Same as the first time I started this journey, something just kind of clicked internally. The nutritionist said she could tell something had changed and that was really the best explanation I had for her. I can't pinpoint it or turn it off/on (I wish!) but it's back, so I'm not arguing. I had told myself that this year would be my year for positive changes, and so far it's shaping up to aim in that direction.

I started wearing make-up two weeks ago, which for me is just unheard of unless there is a special occasion. I think it's been a bit of self-discovery and feeling like I'm worth being noticed for once. I completely don't recognize this person I'm becoming, but I'd like for it to stick around. The nutritionist said she sensed that I had changed internally as well, like I am coming out of my shell.

Goals this week:  Appointment with the doctor to discuss my BP (it's high again), and get my vitamin D and iron levels checked. Going to work on lowering my calories back down to 1500. I'm also going to move my ass, in some way, shape or form, and I'l adjust my calories up those days.

197.8 - 72.8 pounds to go

It may not been much of a loss, but considering I ate a paczki from Tim Horton's, plus half of an authentic one, and some of the cherry chocolate chip bread I baked, half a pound is a total win!

My aim last week was to up my calories a little bit, which I feel was skewed by the goodies I ate. So, trying that again this week in hopes of finding a sweet spot. I fear I am eating too little, at least according to the calculators I use, but I'm afraid of playing around too much. Instead, I'll see how well this week goes and what the average is for the week's calories.

I didn't get around to looking up meatless options, but I've been sticking with tuna, homemade bean soup, and Trader Joe's low sodium tomato soup, which is actually really good! I also need to look into more options for protein. I hate using protein powder - I'm much rather not deal with all the filler. But in the mean time, it serves it's purpose, which is to keep my protein up and my hangry levels down! It's kind of nice feeling a normal amount of hunger when I get home instead of the past "omg, feed me now or DIE!"

Nothing exciting otherwise. Still being lazy but justifying it as finding my calorie spot first. Once the weather stops freaking out though, I'd like to walk at lunch again. It was nice to get out and get some sunshine - it really improved my mood! I'm sure my vitamin D levels are low again. That reminds me that I should go see my doctor for another blood lab, but I've gained a little since I saw her, so I'm ashamed. /sigh

This week: still pre-planning; keeping protein up around 90-115g per day; checking out more lunch options.

198.4 - 73.4 pounds to go

I feel like I nailed it last week. Not only did I try to keep my calories around 1450-1550 per day, but I focused on balancing macros and really making the food I ate count. With the help from some great MyFitnessPal friends, I decided to eat a few less carbs (not low carb - just not going over everyday!) and to make sure there is protein in as many meals and snacks as possible. The nutritionist has stressed in the past that I don't need as many grams of protein as I am consuming, but from a hunger standpoint, I do! I was starving all-the-time two weeks ago - seriously! I'd no sooner eat a meal or a snack and be hungry again. Now I feel like the hunger is manageable. I might still be hungry when I come home from work, but I'm not hangry (hungry and angry!)

I've not started up an exercise routine yet. Last week, I actually went to our gym and put our accounts on hold. Financially, the $50 a month we spend there is needed for other things, and since I can go to the campus gym for free, well, no-brainer! I've not yet been, but it's an option. Really, I'm hoping that the weather starts to stabilize a bit so I can get back to walking. The fresh air and sunshine did so much for my mood and energy levels, and I truly miss it. I loved exploring the area around our campus and home.

Keys to success this last week: pre-planning. It helps a ton when I get up in the morning to already know what to make for breakfast and pack for lunch. No more last minute grabbing of snacks from the cupboard. I'm also going to eat more in the 1550-1650 range. I have to keep reminding myself that eating too little is bad, bad, bad and will set me back into another long-term plateau if I am not careful, and I absolutely cannot re-live that just yet. Calculators have been putting me anywhere from 1400-1650 and being as I lost 2 pounds last week at the bottom-end, I'm going to see how the top-end does and adjust from there. It's nice losing 2 pounds in a week, two times in a row even, but I'd rather do this the healthy way than the quick way.

Focus for this week: continue pre-planning, and explore new meatless lunch options.

200.4 - 75.4 pounds to go!

Apparently I needed a break: a long one that spanned 4-5 months and included whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.

The bad news? I went from my low weight in August of 179 back up to 205-ish. Yeah, that is a very harsh pill to swallow. Of course it wasn't worth it, I would change things if I could, blah blah blah.

The good news? I'm back on the horse again and I think the break was genuinely needed. Last year was rough for me. I stopped talking to my parents on two different occasions for several months at a time, we had several major home purchases crop up, and we had a roommate move in. Add to that the focus I was putting on myself to eat right and exercise and get the scale to move, only to see it move 15 pounds in 8 months, and you have a disaster on your hands! Of course, we all go through life's ups and downs. In my opinion, that's what makes life worth it! But, in the moment, it almost defeated me.

Our ex-roommate is a wonderful person, and I thoroughly enjoyed having him around and teaching him some of the things I was going on this journey. But, I let him become an excuse for how I made decisions. I cannot be trusted around food. Bottom line. If you suggest buying cookies at the store, I'm 99.9% likely to give in to your request. Start eating said cookies, and I am 99.9% likely to join you. Eat big portions of food, again, likely to join you. Things quickly spiraled out of control and while we weren't completely back to eating fast food and drinking pop, we were headed there fast!

The best news is that I am back. I had my fun, but I've had enough. My size 16 jeans that were a perfect fit are now a little snug. New bras that fit perfectly now require an extender. Shirts feel like they cling in places they didn't before. It is all a harsh reality that I not only gained back 25 pounds, but I gained back 25 pounds of pure fat. But, it's temporary!

Part of me was scared to try this all again. For 8 months I did as I normally was to lose just 15 pounds. Sure, now I think 15 pounds would be great! But all of that effort equating to that small of an amount, this early in the game, killed a little part of me. And now I have this little voice in my head telling me, "Why bother? It's just going to happen again, ya know!" Every day is a constant struggle to control that voice.

So, here goes a fresh start. I've been back to eating healthier foods and following the meal plan my nutritionist laid out for me. I cleaned out our pantry and tried to make the healthier snacks more accessible. And I'm just generally feeling more excited about feeling better. The scale not moving was rough, but I should have focused on the bigger picture. It's always important to celebrate the little things.

186.8 - 61.8 pounds to go

I'm keeping the number the same as last week, even though it was down 1.4 pounds on Friday. I don't want to keep "cheating" by logging weights from other days, just in case it was a fluke.

My training session Friday was incredibly hard. He had me doing new things that were so challenging that I sincerely felt like it was my first day working out. I had already been thinking about my knees lately. Even though I've lost weight, they seem to crack and snap a lot more and it kind of concerns me. And then what does the trainer have me doing? Jumping up onto a bench. I was absolutely petrified every time I had to do it. All I could picture was missing the bench and landing on my face, or catching the edge of the bench with my shoe. Instead, I landed on my face when I was doing the stability ball jackknives. If you've never seen one, feel lucky!

Basically, you get into push up position with your legs on a stability ball. Then you roll the ball inward, bringing your knees into your chest. Getting up onto the ball is a workout alone, and I tried several different ways, all of them being "the hard way." I got up there the first time just fine, he second time I kept falling off. And these hurt like mad. Of course there were girls at the gym doing these at the same time, making it look effortless and beautiful. Not mine! And when I went to get off, I think I took both legs off at the same time and ended up rolling forward and falling on my face. I kept making fun of myself for it, and told my trainer it was a good thing I didn't have him taking pictures this time around. His response made it that much worse: "you looked like a crime scene victim!" I guess a little humility is good though, or something. I left that workout feeling incredibly weak and fat.

At my meeting with the nutritionist, we decided to go back to basics. I explained that the scale still wasn't reflecting a loss, the sudden 8 pound gain has stuck around, and I just can't take it anymore. I need structure, and a plan. So, I'm eating toast with PB for breakfast with some almond milk, a banana at AM snack, half a sandwich and some fruit for lunch, a fruit (and yogurt if needed) for PM snack, and a small dinner of 3-4 oz. protein, a small starch, and veggies.

Being as I am worried about being hungry all the time, she wants me to drink tea before every meal. Way back, my doctor had said she didn't want me drinking too much tea, but never gave a reason. So, we're going with maybe she was worried about the caffeine until I can ask her, and until then, I am enjoying it! She also thinks that I might be experiencing a lot more hunger on the days I work because I am associating sitting at my desk with eating and watching the clock to see when I can eat next. It makes sense, and it might definitely attribute, so I'm willing to shake things up a bit.

I mentioned my fear for my knees, explaining how they don't hurt per se, but I notice that they make more noise when I pivot or whatnot, so she suggested drinking 2 tablespoons of tart cherry juice concentrate in the morning and afternoon with some water. I had this warm the other day and I am in love! It's not cheap, which has me a little concerned, but if it helps, I am all allotting the money for it! She also suggested that I wear knee braces when doing cardio, and if I try to keep up with jogging, to find a grassy/dirt path. I'm not sure how feasible that is but I'll have to keep my eyes open. At the very least, I'm hoping the braces will help keep things compressed and comforted.

Let's hope for a good weigh-in this coming week, and a better strength session where I don't feel so weak!

186.8 - 61.8 pounds to go

Baby steps I guess. I'll take small losses over any sort of gain, any day.

I've been trying to work on being more positive, which is super hard. I'm trying to be more dedicated to exercising. I'm trying to make better food choices. All of it is so hard when you realize a lot of the hard work and effort isn't paying off. I mean it is - I don't want to go back to 250 pounds, or feeling so lazy and tired all the time, or breathing heavy after a flight of stairs, or barely being able to do a crunch, or any other number of things I could ramble off. I'm thankful that I've stuck things out this far. I'm just a bit disappointed that the one year mark came and went, and I wasn't where I wanted to be, so my mind seems to keep trying to derail me. All I can do is scream "There is no giving up!" I have said that from the very beginning and I am keeping my word. There is no going back.

I decided to follow the advice of my trainer and kick my cardio up a notch by jogging in spurts while walking. He may very well be right in that I'm not working myself hard enough. I feel like I'm going as fast as I comfortably can, but 60 pounds ago that was a lot more work than it is right now. So, I jogged. The first night, I jogged for a minute just a few times. I tried out the "Zombies, RUN!" app while out on a walk with the roommate and I think I need to look into a bit more. The storyline is okay - it's creative at the very least. But I only recall it making us run about 3 times.

The second night, I decided to jog every 5 minutes and I ended up pushing myself to go for 2 minutes. Two whole minutes with three minutes of rest in between! I was super proud of myself, even though I felt bad that I was slowing the roommate down. I was thankful he was so supportive and helped spur me on. I'm a little afraid of hurting my knees though, so I need to figure that out.

187.2 - 62.2 pounds to go

I've not been so good at getting my water in, or eating the right foods, or exercising. So, if I'm not changing things, "how did the scale go down" one might ask - and I have no idea. I'm frustrated, and angry, and confused, and just generally tired of not seeing any changes. More water, less water, more food, less food, more workouts, less workouts - it really doesn't seem to matter much. Just as soon as I think I see a change, the scale goes up the next week. So, I'm happy that it went down, but I'm not holding my breath. I just need to figure this all out and get out of this ditch.

189.6 - 64.6 pounds to go

And back up we go....

I've been trying to work on being more positive. When I go for walks with our roommate, he voices similar negative feelings about things in his life, and the social worker hat goes on. I tell him how normal some of those thoughts and feelings are, and we discuss steps to changing things in his life to make those feelings of inadequacy go away. I tell him to start recognizing those thoughts and immediately countering them with positive thoughts. And then I laugh: not at him, but at myself. These are the very same things I used to tell some of my therapy clients, the same things the nutritionist told me, and the same things I have told myself time and time again. It comes so easily to tell someone else to stop being so hard on themselves, to look at the bright side, to make mini goals to achieve an end result and to stop looking at the forest instead of the trees. Yet it's so hard to enact in my own life.

186.6 - 61.6 pounds to go

The scale is just not cooperating with me, and it's really starting to weigh on me (ha! see what I did there!) I met with the nutritionist and came clean about my lack of good decisions lately, but even with the slip-ups here and there, neither of us can explain why the scale suddenly jumped up 9 pounds a few weeks back, or why it's not going back down.

Emotionally, things have been really rough for me the last few months. After deciding that my relationship with my mother was nothing short of toxic and making the decision to estrange myself from my parents, I've been on a huge emotional roller coaster. I've had days where I'm fine and things seem clear to me, and then I have days where I seemingly cry for no apparent reason. It's one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make and it's constantly bubbling beneath the surface.

During my meeting, the nutritionist and I discussed what could be causing the scale to not reflect my efforts. Sure, I've not been diligent about getting in my 12 glasses of water per day. Yes, there have been days (more than I'd like to admit) where I was over my calorie goal. Of course there are also days where the food choices I've made were not so stellar (birthday week wherein I had cake every night for 6 nights!) And unfortunately there have been days where I've neglected going to the gym or getting out for a walk. But for the scale to suddenly bounce up 8-9 pounds is unexplained. My belief that it was only water weight from a weekend of bad food has since waned after watching the scale stay up for weeks.

And then she asked about my thoughts and attitude toward myself. Let the waterworks begin! As I sat there blabbering on about my mother and how I am allegedly a "horrible daughter," I saw myself get smaller and smaller. Contrary to how I would describe myself, mentally I am horribly negative and tough on myself. And while there is no explanation as to why the scale is being so unkind lately, one thing was very clear: I have to learn to be positive.

My homework for the next few weeks is rough, but absolutely necessary. First, I need to identify my keys for success. One of the examples we wrote down was that I'm able to get my 12 glasses of water in when I'm mindful of the time and set time limits (e.g. 3 glasses by noon.) The second thing I need to do is to negate all of the negative thoughts I have by immediately countering them with a positive. So instead of repeatedly telling myself, "You only managed to lose 59 pounds in a year," I need to tell myself "But I lost 59 pounds! And over 40 inches!" Lastly, she suggested I focus more on picturing what I want the scale to read, rather than on what it says. Every night and every morning I step on the scale. This is hugely not recommended. I, personally, like seeing the difference between the two numbers and I know the reasoning behind those numbers enough to not freak out. Could I stop? Absolutely. That's not where my problem lies. My issue is that the numbers are not going down. Since the beginning of the year, I've lost roughly 15-20 pounds, which is barely even trying in my opinion. And lately, those numbers are bothering me. There's no explainable reason and it's starting to negatively impact how I view this journey. So instead of focusing on "the scale said X this morning," she wants me to envision stepping on the scale and seeing a smaller number and being excited about it.

So, do I think a mental overhaul will help the numbers come down? I'm not sure. The mind is a powerful thing, I won't deny that. While I don't think it's the only reason the scale isn't moving, I'm up to trying whatever I can in an effort to get back on track. Plus, I could use a little less negativity in my life!

189.4 - 64.4 pounds to go

Ugh! I just cannot seem to get back on track lately. It seems like everyday includes either eating too much, or making bad food choices, or both. It also didn't help matters that last week was birthday week. Since my birthday was on Tuesday this year, we decided to invite people over on Saturday. But we couldn't just do nothing on the actual day! So we took the roomie to a local coney place we had never been to, then decided on a Japanese Steakhouse for dinner - not tons of sodium hiding there! No sir! And since I am a huge slacker when it comes to my birthday (denial maybe?), I didn't bake a cake. And since that isn't acceptable at all, we headed to a local grocery store bakery to pick one up. Since the roomie decided we should get a 13x9 cake rather than a really small cake, you know, because he would eat it all, I happily obliged. Stupid me! That really just meant that all three of us had cake every single night up until the weekend when I made a cake for the party. So, not only did we eat bad on my birthday, and a couple days after that, but we also had cake for dessert every night from Tuesday through Sunday, as well as some of the cookies I made for said party, plus all the traditional store-bought barbecue food because with all the baking I did (3 types of cookies, a 3-layer cake, and ice cream), I didn't have time or energy to care about making things like potato salad - though I did make baked beans!

So, the scale being up, *again,* should really come as no surprise, it's just a little defeating. I see the nutritionist this weekend and I am really ashamed just thinking about going and telling her how awful things have been. I also have a training session that morning and being as I haven't been since August 24th, I'm really not looking forward to the butt-kicking and soreness that will inevitably occur. Okay, I lie, I kind of am, but talk to me about it Saturday and I may sing a different tune!

188.6 - 63.6 pounds to go

This backward slide has got to end. I figured that the issue was excess water weight from all the sodium in our not-so-great food choices lately, and maybe it still is, but I thought that the scale would reflect that by now.

Our camping trip was far from what I had expected. Since we hadn't been camping in probably 8-10 years, we ended up renting a little cabin in a state park. I had no idea you could do such things! When we got there, I initially thought the place was kind of cute. It was a small cabin with just a main room with the beds and long table with a mini fridge and microwave on top, and a decent sized bathroom. We unpacked, ran to the corner party store for some firewood and ice cream sundaes, and decided since the fire would take a couple hours to build and put us eating dinner at around 10:00pm, we'd head into town and grab dinner. What a joke! The bar we ended up going to was the only place we saw that was open (that wasn't a pizza joint) and was packed with people watching football, snacking, and drinking beer. I had assumed since it was so busy, it had to be a good sign. Instead, we left aggravated and wishing we had walked out. My food was barely room temp, our fries were cold, the waitress came by only to take our order and give us our food. I think we were there over an hour, easily. If it hadn't been for the fear of someone catching us walking out on our tab, we would have done so, especially when two different waitresses told us to have a good night (before giving us our tab) and asked if we had been given our tab.

Once we got back to the cabin, I started noticing all the little things I didn't like: the vinyl-coated hard-as-a-rock mattresses, the dirt/sand-coated floor, the lack of any sort of cellphone signal. Our bed sheet didn't fold under the corners, which meant that every time we moved, the sheets came off, leaving the vinyl exposed. Earlier in the week, I had pulled a muscle in my lower back, and the mattress did a wonderful job making it worse. Now add in there that my husband forgot his CPAP mask, meaning he would be snoring in addition to me being paranoid about the sheet coming off and my back being angry.

We ended up leaving the campground a day early. In fact, we really only stayed there from about 8:00pm Friday until 3:00pm Saturday, just enough time to unpack things and then re-pack them. No hiking (too many darn mosquitoes), no beach, just a fire to make grilled cheese sandwiches while we tried to decide when to leave. At least it was the best grilled cheese sandwich I've ever had! And I learned that I am apparently not nearly as outdoorsy as I wanted to be. I hate bugs, I hate germs (the vinyl mattress cover), I like clean floors I can walk around on barefoot, I like having WiFi or at least a signal so I can do things. I never felt more prissy in my entire life.

187.4 - 62.4 pounds to go!

What a shamefully bad weekend of pigging out! There is really no shock to this weigh-in being so horrible. But I'm clinging to the fact that it has to all be water weight. My sodium was out of control and while I might have gained a pound, no way I gained 8.

We picked up our new roommate on Thursday, which meant grabbing lunch while there. I actually did pretty well with that: a chicken sandwich with avocado and lettuce, no sauce (they forgot) and fruit instead of chips. Then we stopped by a couple stores that sell exclusively cherry-themed goods. So yummy!

For dinner, we decided to treat the roommate to one of our favorite places because who wants leftover goulash their first night? So we took him to one of our favorite pizza places instead! And then came Friday night, after a long trip to Ikea, where we of course had lunch! So dinner was a great burger place that we hadn't been to in a few months.

Saturday was disastrous in terms of food. My oldest niece had her graduation party, so again, lots of bad food. I went into in with the mindset that I wasn't going to eat much, that we'd eat sensibly before and afterward. Not so much! I had made cake and Oreo cheesecake cupcakes, plus there was a cake from a bakery. Saying the fat girl emerged would be an understatement!

After we left the party, we both agreed we were really hungry. Even after all the food we had eaten, we just didn't feel full. Maybe it was because most of it was processed junk, maybe it was in our heads, who knows. So we picked up dinner from a favorite chicken place local to our area so the roommate could experience his third local area favorite.

This week, after all of that awful food and increase in calories, it has been really hard to get back into the groove. I've not been drinking enough water. I've gone over on calories a couple times. I've not been to the gym thanks to busy-as-heck schedules during the day and a lack of motivation after dinner.

This next weigh-in will actually be a day late as we are going camping, and while I intend to thoroughly enjoy myself, it will not be anything like last weekend! I felt fine up until around Sunday, when it felt like my stomach was going to war with all the horrible food choices I had made. So while I don't always feel like we eat the best we can, we've definitely come leaps and bounds!

179.4 - 54.4 pounds to go!

Finally! To see that scale dip below 180 was such a great feeling, and it happening this weekend was all the better. I celebrated one year on Sunday, even though I technically started this journey last July. But after some thought, I decided to go with the date I became truly serious. I had been trying to eat a little less and eat better, but it wasn't until mid-August that we joined the gym and I signed up with MyFitnessPal. So, yes it's off, but ignore that!

I met with the nutritionist on Friday and I guess it went okay. I had only lost 3 pounds since my last visit with her, which was 6 weeks prior as opposed to 4. That was a bit depressing, but I had gone into the weekend saying that all negative thoughts were going to be pushed aside. She also pointed out, again, that I was eating 1600 calories before and now I'm actually eating more than that and should ween myself back down. I tend to disagree on this point though. I think I was eating too little when I was starting out, so while it was great to have the pounds just dropping off, I'd rather go about this in a healthy manner. I've also been pretty good lately about hitting the gym at least 4-5 days per week, so I think 1850 calories is completely safe. And from the scale saying I dropped 2 pounds, I'm going to keep on the way I am for now! Aside from that, we changed up my meal plan a little bit. I'd recently been feeling really hungry in the late morning up until dinner and she decided maybe it was due to having too few carbs before/after a workout. I'd been trying to really up my protein and lower my carbs (I always go over 40%) but she said 85-90g of protein is just fine and that I should think about upping my carbs to 45% to help fuel my workouts. As always, I'm willing to try it! Being hungry so often is really annoying and if that helps, I'm all for it! Aside from that, we're trying to mix in more fruits and veggies - nothing too new there. I'm always really bad with veggies being as I hate most of them unless they are cooked. Her idea involves either a side salad with lunch or some leftover veggies from dinner. Why I had never thought of that, who knows. I'm also back to eating a full sandwich at lunch to see if that helps. I had recently started eating just the meat and cheese since I kept going over on carbs, but the last week or two, every time I would get to the gym before lunch, my stomach would start growling like I hadn't eaten all day and I would just feel like I couldn't give it my all. So, more carbs equals more bread and hopefully less stomach growling and fatigue!

I spent a good few hours on Sunday trying to find "before" pictures of myself that weren't half naked and completely embarrassing. The best I could come up with was one from October, after I had already lost 20 pounds. Looking back, I wish I had taken pictures not only in limited clothing to see all my rolls and jiggly spots, but in an outfit or two for comparison sake. But, I found the picture below and decided it would suffice. The shirt is an XL and it was pretty tight though the lighting poorly shows it. The pants are the dreaded Target pants that say they are a size 20, but I currently wear a loose 16 (omg, to say that!) and those 20's fit almost perfectly. But, what you can't see in the picture is that they were about three inches from buttoning. (I decided to keep that picture to myself for now!)

XL Shirt and size 20 (really like a 16) pant. 10/09/11 vs. 08/19/12

My favorite picture is this next one. I had calculated the number of inches I had lost in the last year and decided to get a picture of me showing the number of inches with a measuring tape. It also shows how lose the shirt and jeans are a little better since I'm not standing with my arms straight at my sides. It's so weird to remember those jeans being so stinkin' tight. My thighs barely fit and I was just praying for the day when I could zip them up, even if it meant laying down on the bed first!

Showing the number of inches lost - 40.25"

So, here are my tallies for the year. 

Weight lost: 59.2 pounds (238.6 down to 179.4)

Inches lost: 40.25 (almost as many inches as pounds!)

Measurements from 8/21/11 and 8/19/12:

Neck: 16" down to 13.5" - 2.5" lost

Bicep (R): 15" down to 13.25" - 1.75" lost

Bicep (L): 15" down to 13" (estimated starting measurement) - 2" lost

Chest: 49" down to 41.5" - 7.5" lost

Waist: 49" down to 41" - 8" lost

Hips: 50" down to 45" - 5" lost

Thigh (R): 26" down to 22.25" - 3.75" lost

Thigh (L): 26" down to 21" - (estimated starting measurement) - 5" lost

Calf (R): 17.25" down to 15" - 2.25" lost

Calf (L): 17.25" down to 14.75" (estimated starting measurement) - 2.5" lost 

I keep hearing the voice in my head saying that some of those measurements are probably off (just look at the new thigh measurements and the difference between the two). But I'm pushing them back because I know those were only a sampling. There's really no true way to know how many inches I've lost but just look at all the areas I wasn't measuring that are now slimmer: my chin, my fingers, my ankles, etc. So, 40.25" it is whether it likes it or not. Now to work on all the negativity! 

Oh, I almost forgot the best (well, maybe not) part! I got my hair hacked off on Saturday, so I was fussing around with it on Sunday morning, trying my best to make it look decent. As I turned my head this way and that, I noticed wrinkles on my chin. Not age wrinkles, but "I've lost weight" wrinkles, the ones caused by excess skin. The only way I could describe it is if you've ever played with balloon weights made from filling a balloon with sand. I pushed the current fat aside, the wrinkles went with it and stayed. I pushed the other way, and again, they went that way. I came out of the bathroom telling my husband about my new, weirdly scary but fascinating discovery, pushing my chin fat this way and that for him to see. It's my first taste of the loose skin issue and it's one I've been afraid of since the start. I've no doubt in my mind that it will be an issue after 10+ years of being obese. But, I'd rather be skinny and worry about loose skin than be miserable and obese again. Mark my words, self - you are never going back to 250 pounds again! 

181.6 - 56.6 pounds to go!

I was delightfully surprised by the scale this week. My water intake wasn't so great and the scale pretty much stuck at 183-184 all week. Saturday I was feeling pretty deflated: the scale was sticking again, one year is rapidly approaching, clothes felt like they were tighter than normal. And while it's never a feeling of giving up, it definitely leaves me wondering what else I can do differently. I'm definitely proud of how far I have come, I won't argue that, but I am a huge bit disappointed when I see that I've lost just barely more than 20 pounds since January 1st. Eight and a half months later, I was hoping to be a good deal lighter than I am now. Twenty-one pounds in eight and a half months is barely 2.5 pounds per month. Ugh! I miss how easy it was in the beginning, how the pounds were just flying off. Granted, I was eating about the same amount of calories as I am now, and I was 65 pounds heavier, but dammit, it was nice! I don't even want that overnight-I'm-suddenly-skinny dream so many have - just a constant 1-2 pound loss per week would be nice. I'll just keep dreaming, and hopefully make it happen.

So, next week marks one year. It's bittersweet as I see how far I've come, but also how far I have left to go. I keep holding onto that mantra of "the year is going to pass whether I do something or not." Ultimately, I have to remember that it won't matter how long it takes, that no one but me will care (and once there, even I probably won't!) and that the end is all that matters.

183.0 - 58.0 pounds to go!

I kind of knew this weigh-in was coming. The initial drop in water weight was nice but it wasn't really a loss. It's disappointing though. My weigh-in the week after this upcoming one marks my one year anniversary, and with last week's weigh-in, I was hopeful that maybe I could hit the 70 pound mark. I don't understand why the scale is being so stubborn.

This last weekend we didn't do so well on the food front. Seems like when dinner time would roll around, we were floundering and caught off guard. We had a scare on Saturday morning when we learned that our dryer had stayed on all night long the previous night. I dried a load of clothing on Friday night and figured I would just get it out the next day. We're usually good about not running the washer/dryer/dishwasher at night, just in case something goes wrong. In this situation, I was under the impression it would have stopped by about 9:00p.m. and didn't think to go check on it. By morning, the husband ran down to the basement for something and said he heard the dryer running. At first, I thought maybe he was mistaken as the air conditioner was running. Nope, he was correct. I had noticed probably a week prior that my niece ran some clothes in it and that the dial didn't appear to advance. I second-guessed myself though and thought I was imagining things. Luckily, it appeared that the dial hadn't rotated through  the cycle but the timer must have because the dryer was basically stuck cooling down. I really don't want to think about what would have happened if the heat had been going for the 12-14 hours it was running. Should be a swell electricity bill though! Of course, once we had purchased our new set and I tried to get as much laundry done as I could before the new set was delivered, the dial started advancing. So, I know that wasn't weight loss related, but hopefully you can learn from our little scare!

This week I'm going to focus on making sure I get back to drinking 12+ glasses of water per day. The last several days have been horrible and sodium has been up - not a good combo. Next weigh-in has to be a loss!

180.2 - 55.2 pounds to go!

So, I'm having very mixed feelings about this week's weigh-in. On one hand, I am so ecstatic that the scale went down, especially by 3.4 pounds! But on the other hand, I feel like it won't last.

I saw my doctor on July 23 to get some blood work done. It had been a few months since my last profile, and even longer since my last cholesterol check. Of course, with all the stress and drama in my life lately, it wasn't all good news. I had been monitoring my BP since March when she agreed to take me off of it and the measures were never that great: not as high as they used to be, but still a bit high, particularly the top number. While I was there, I measure 140/87 and then 152/90. Years ago, that number was more around 155-160/110-15, so it has improved, just not as much as I was hoping. So the bad news is that she placed me on a diuretic (water pill) in hopes that it will help with the numbers a bit. This, in turn, equaled a big loss on the scale this week and now I'm left worrying that when I stop taking it, the pounds will go back on again.

The good news from the visit is pretty great though! My cholesterol came in at 202, just 2 points above "normal." It's not been that low, ever! My HDL increased, LDL decreased, and triglycerides decreased: all were considered in the "normal" range. At my previous visit, she had checked my glucose levels, even though I told her I had recently eaten, and then stated she wanted me to continue on Glucophage. This is always fun to explain to people taking a medical history as I am not diabetic, but have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome which can cause insulin intolerance. The worst thing about this pill, for me anyway, is that it makes me really ill when I first start taking it, and I am horrible at remembering to take pills. Add to that the iron pills I was on, which really upset my stomach, and I was one miserable individual!

At this appointment, I got to tell her again, with shame in my voice, that I hadn't been taking either. She weighed me in, congratulated me on losing another 9 pounds since I saw her in March, and then informed me that depending on the results ,she may switch me to a timed-release glucose pill, a different type of iron pill, and since my vitamin D was also always low, a smaller dose of that. I felt so discouraged leaving there. I've worked so hard to lose those 65 pounds, hoping the whole way that I could get rid of my medicine cocktail, and I was leaving with the possibility of it having not changed. And then those results - I about did a happy dance! My numbers had gotten better in spots, but I truly think that eating out at restaurants, even though we were trying to make better decisions, restrained them from improving much.

So the great news is the improved blood profile! My iron is still low, but low normal. My vitamin D was normal due to all those wonderful walks outside! My cholesterol levels have improved to numbers I have never seen! But that cursed water pill. I sincerely need to learn to chill out and look into things like yoga and meditation. It seems unbelievable that I could quiet my brain, but it is definitely a goal!

We took new measurements and photos as well. I'm working on figuring out a way to overlay two photos so that I can see a true difference. Looking at two pictures side by side just doesn't show the inches I have lost very well I've noticed. I played around with one program and tried lining up my face but the differences were so huge that I started to doubt it's accuracy. Hopefully soon I figure out how to gauge if the two photos are truly the same scale.

Measurements from 8/18/11 and 7/31/12 - almost one year apart!
Neck: 16" / 13.75"
Bicep(R): 15" / 13.25"
Bicep(L): 15" / 13.5" (starting measurement is an estimate as it was not taken)
Chest: 49" / 42.5"
Waist: 49" / 42.5"
Hips: 50" / 45.25"
Thigh(R): 26" / 21.5"
Thigh(L): 26" / 22.25" (starting measurement is an estimate as it was not taken)
Calf(R): 17.25" / 15"
Calf(L): 17.25"/ 15.25" (starting measurement is an estimate as it was not taken)
Body Fat Percentage: 54% / 40.5%

That brings the total number of inches lost to 35.75, and a 13.5% decrease in body fat. None too shabby!

Current Weight: 180.2 pounds
Current BMI: 32.96
Pounds Lost: 64.8 pounds
BMI Lost: 10.68
Pounds to Meet Mini-Goal #3 (175): 5.2 pounds
Pounds until BMI is 'overweight' instead of 'very overweight' (176.5): 3.7 pounds

183.6 - 58.6 pounds to go!

The scale finally had different numbers this week. Thank goodness! That was actually my weight from Saturday morning as I knew my sodium was going to be high Saturday night. But I was so excited to see those numbers that I snapped a picture.

Nothing otherwise exciting last week. I'm working on keeping my promise to my personal trainer. I was a bit disappointed when we spoke about the scale not moving and his only recommendation was to start eating a bit less, but as the husband said, that's the typical thought regarding weight loss. So I'll just silently agree to disagree and keep on my path. If the number don't seem to move, I'll think about dropping them lower, but I'm guessing it won't be a problem. If anything, looking back, I wasn't eating enough. I wasn't someone on a very low calorie diet, eating only 1200 calories per day and exercising like a mad woman. But, 1600 calories per day while exercising 5 days a week is low according to the calculators I've used. I ate my exercise calories back at least, so there is that. At the moment though, I'm playing around with the numbers. Part of me wanted to drop to 1800, just to push the weight loss a little faster, but the other part of me decided 1950 was a better option. I'll have to gauge it better once a few more weigh-ins are under my belt though.

In four more weigh-ins, I'll hit my one year mark. Well, my fudged one year mark I should say. I started weighing in around mid-July, but it wasn't until mid-August that I started watching what I ate and really "trying" to lose weight. So, I'm going with that date. I'm really far off of the number I had hoped to lose within a year, but I'm trying my hardest to focus on the positive. And I am sure after today's doctor visit, I'll feel a bit better. With all of the unwavering drama in my life that just won't seem to go away, it's hard to focus on the positives, but you can be sure I'll be celebrating the big day!

185.2 - 60.2 pounds to go!

I'm starting to hear that little voice in my head telling me I won't ever weigh less than 185. I've been bouncing around the same 2-3 pounds for the last three months now and I'm really hoping this cut will push my body back into losing again. If not, I honestly have no idea where to go next. I'm just going to hold onto the fact that last week I was technically eating at maintenance due to not working out, and I've fixed that this week. So damn it fat cells, start shrinking!

Last week was a rough week. I made the decision to estrange myself from my parents, my job has been making me really angry, I feel like I have no idea what I want to do in terms of a new career, and I just felt so lost. I'm now feeling a bit better about my decision, but I still feel lost. But, before this becomes less weight loss related, let's move on!

I had an emotional training session on Friday. No sooner did my trainer ask me for details about how things had been going and I started sobbing. The poor guy was probably so taken back and I could tell he wasn't sure what exactly to do. I ended up confessing that I hadn't worked out all week and we both agreed that I should channel my anger into a great workout. I pushed myself harder than I had in a long time, and I ended up feeling it for 4 days. Weighted squats, alternating lunges, and jump squats left my legs so sore that I ended up having to walk down the stairs backwards, with my arms on the stairs in front of me. I basically did the same for going up the stairs, not backwards of course, but it probably didn't look as silly. It definitely made it hard to do anything other than sit and remain motionless. But I did end up walking on Saturday and Tuesday. I can't say it made them feel any better, but at least they didn't feel any worse.

Going in to Friday's session, I was prepared to tell him I was not going to be able to purchase any more sessions with him. They are definitely not cheap, and while I wasn't sure if I could get up the nerve to follow the nutritionist's advice and take classes instead, I figured financially it was the best choice. However, after our session he said he had something to discuss with me. Before I even had a chance, he told me that he wanted to give me 4 free sessions if I bought the same package as I did last time because he really enjoys our sessions and he looks forward to them because of how hard I push myself. I've struggled with this, wondering if he was just blowing smoke up my ass, but to voluntarily give up 4 sessions worth of paid time has to mean something. I think I'm just to used to being taken advantage of and rarely being on the receiving end of the generosity of others. Needless to say, I couldn't refuse his kindness. In return, he made me promise to work hard, and I plan to use that promise as motivation to get my butt in gear.