198.2 - 73.2 pounds to go

I think this last week went fairly well, so I'm trying not to let the scale get to me. My calories probably averaged around 1700 or so, which was probably too high. Until I get off my butt and start doing something, I can't justify fueling my body like it is active.

Instead of dreading my meeting with the nutritionist, I was actually looking forward to it since I had lost a few pounds - 6 to be exact! That was a pleasant surprise being as I felt like I've been moving in slow motion.

We discussed my obsession with the scale, and I've made a pact with an MFP friend to not weigh myself until my official weigh-in day. Because I cheated and stepped on the scale this morning, I actually changed my pact to not looking for 2 weeks. I'll still weigh-in on Sunday of this week for recording purposes, but I've decided I'm going to shut my eyes and ask my husband to record the number somewhere for a week. The obsession is far from healthy and it's only going to defeat me again if I keep this up. Ultimately, I'd like to weigh-in once a month when I see her, but baby steps first! So funny that for *years* I avoided that darn thing.

Same as the first time I started this journey, something just kind of clicked internally. The nutritionist said she could tell something had changed and that was really the best explanation I had for her. I can't pinpoint it or turn it off/on (I wish!) but it's back, so I'm not arguing. I had told myself that this year would be my year for positive changes, and so far it's shaping up to aim in that direction.

I started wearing make-up two weeks ago, which for me is just unheard of unless there is a special occasion. I think it's been a bit of self-discovery and feeling like I'm worth being noticed for once. I completely don't recognize this person I'm becoming, but I'd like for it to stick around. The nutritionist said she sensed that I had changed internally as well, like I am coming out of my shell.

Goals this week:  Appointment with the doctor to discuss my BP (it's high again), and get my vitamin D and iron levels checked. Going to work on lowering my calories back down to 1500. I'm also going to move my ass, in some way, shape or form, and I'l adjust my calories up those days.

197.8 - 72.8 pounds to go

It may not been much of a loss, but considering I ate a paczki from Tim Horton's, plus half of an authentic one, and some of the cherry chocolate chip bread I baked, half a pound is a total win!

My aim last week was to up my calories a little bit, which I feel was skewed by the goodies I ate. So, trying that again this week in hopes of finding a sweet spot. I fear I am eating too little, at least according to the calculators I use, but I'm afraid of playing around too much. Instead, I'll see how well this week goes and what the average is for the week's calories.

I didn't get around to looking up meatless options, but I've been sticking with tuna, homemade bean soup, and Trader Joe's low sodium tomato soup, which is actually really good! I also need to look into more options for protein. I hate using protein powder - I'm much rather not deal with all the filler. But in the mean time, it serves it's purpose, which is to keep my protein up and my hangry levels down! It's kind of nice feeling a normal amount of hunger when I get home instead of the past "omg, feed me now or DIE!"

Nothing exciting otherwise. Still being lazy but justifying it as finding my calorie spot first. Once the weather stops freaking out though, I'd like to walk at lunch again. It was nice to get out and get some sunshine - it really improved my mood! I'm sure my vitamin D levels are low again. That reminds me that I should go see my doctor for another blood lab, but I've gained a little since I saw her, so I'm ashamed. /sigh

This week: still pre-planning; keeping protein up around 90-115g per day; checking out more lunch options.

198.4 - 73.4 pounds to go

I feel like I nailed it last week. Not only did I try to keep my calories around 1450-1550 per day, but I focused on balancing macros and really making the food I ate count. With the help from some great MyFitnessPal friends, I decided to eat a few less carbs (not low carb - just not going over everyday!) and to make sure there is protein in as many meals and snacks as possible. The nutritionist has stressed in the past that I don't need as many grams of protein as I am consuming, but from a hunger standpoint, I do! I was starving all-the-time two weeks ago - seriously! I'd no sooner eat a meal or a snack and be hungry again. Now I feel like the hunger is manageable. I might still be hungry when I come home from work, but I'm not hangry (hungry and angry!)

I've not started up an exercise routine yet. Last week, I actually went to our gym and put our accounts on hold. Financially, the $50 a month we spend there is needed for other things, and since I can go to the campus gym for free, well, no-brainer! I've not yet been, but it's an option. Really, I'm hoping that the weather starts to stabilize a bit so I can get back to walking. The fresh air and sunshine did so much for my mood and energy levels, and I truly miss it. I loved exploring the area around our campus and home.

Keys to success this last week: pre-planning. It helps a ton when I get up in the morning to already know what to make for breakfast and pack for lunch. No more last minute grabbing of snacks from the cupboard. I'm also going to eat more in the 1550-1650 range. I have to keep reminding myself that eating too little is bad, bad, bad and will set me back into another long-term plateau if I am not careful, and I absolutely cannot re-live that just yet. Calculators have been putting me anywhere from 1400-1650 and being as I lost 2 pounds last week at the bottom-end, I'm going to see how the top-end does and adjust from there. It's nice losing 2 pounds in a week, two times in a row even, but I'd rather do this the healthy way than the quick way.

Focus for this week: continue pre-planning, and explore new meatless lunch options.

200.4 - 75.4 pounds to go!

Apparently I needed a break: a long one that spanned 4-5 months and included whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.

The bad news? I went from my low weight in August of 179 back up to 205-ish. Yeah, that is a very harsh pill to swallow. Of course it wasn't worth it, I would change things if I could, blah blah blah.

The good news? I'm back on the horse again and I think the break was genuinely needed. Last year was rough for me. I stopped talking to my parents on two different occasions for several months at a time, we had several major home purchases crop up, and we had a roommate move in. Add to that the focus I was putting on myself to eat right and exercise and get the scale to move, only to see it move 15 pounds in 8 months, and you have a disaster on your hands! Of course, we all go through life's ups and downs. In my opinion, that's what makes life worth it! But, in the moment, it almost defeated me.

Our ex-roommate is a wonderful person, and I thoroughly enjoyed having him around and teaching him some of the things I was going on this journey. But, I let him become an excuse for how I made decisions. I cannot be trusted around food. Bottom line. If you suggest buying cookies at the store, I'm 99.9% likely to give in to your request. Start eating said cookies, and I am 99.9% likely to join you. Eat big portions of food, again, likely to join you. Things quickly spiraled out of control and while we weren't completely back to eating fast food and drinking pop, we were headed there fast!

The best news is that I am back. I had my fun, but I've had enough. My size 16 jeans that were a perfect fit are now a little snug. New bras that fit perfectly now require an extender. Shirts feel like they cling in places they didn't before. It is all a harsh reality that I not only gained back 25 pounds, but I gained back 25 pounds of pure fat. But, it's temporary!

Part of me was scared to try this all again. For 8 months I did as I normally was to lose just 15 pounds. Sure, now I think 15 pounds would be great! But all of that effort equating to that small of an amount, this early in the game, killed a little part of me. And now I have this little voice in my head telling me, "Why bother? It's just going to happen again, ya know!" Every day is a constant struggle to control that voice.

So, here goes a fresh start. I've been back to eating healthier foods and following the meal plan my nutritionist laid out for me. I cleaned out our pantry and tried to make the healthier snacks more accessible. And I'm just generally feeling more excited about feeling better. The scale not moving was rough, but I should have focused on the bigger picture. It's always important to celebrate the little things.